Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Nutella Girls

The air was crisp. Sitting there, outside the education building at the university. I looked up a lot. At the trees. The sky. The top rack of the drinks where they keep orange juice for a buck .75.

I thought about the day and was sort of glad about it. Explained that, no, I don't want Nutella, even though both of you girls are very pretty. The Nutella girls were much prettier than the 5 hour energy drink girls.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Philadelphia

I think the streets of Philadelphia are a good place to go once you’ve cashed in your last check. I was trying to take a picture of town hall and all the sudden some guy was asking me all these questions about my camera. “how much something like that cost you?” the crazy guy said. He walked along with me for a while and tried to convince me that he was some sort of aspiring photographer.

Friday, June 24, 2011

How to Save Money

In this world it's "Waste not want not".

And what does waste mean?

Waste means loss of money.
As an example: You buy a hotdog for 1 dollar and don't eat the hotdog. You throw the hotdog away. Later you are hungry and buy a second hotdog for 1 dollar. You eat this hotdog. Now you've spent 2 dollars on 1 dollars worth of hotdog.

That's waste! 1 whole dollars worth of waste.

Read on to find out lots of time tested ways to save energy and money!!!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Santa's Reindeer Donner Found Dead


Early Wednesday morning in Holland, seven year old Hans Dortzunger heard something hit the roof. "We ran outside and watched as the reindeer slid off the roof. Hans and I ran up to him and around his neck was a golden collar with the name Donner. Hans is still shocked," said Mrs. Dortzunger. Donner's sled straps were cut very cleanly, which forensics expert Richard Yawbrough says is irrefutable proof that when one of his reindeer gives out, Santa pulls out a knife and cuts the dead weight off the sleigh. Yarbrough added that "a mature reindeer will weigh up to 650 pounds. That's a lot of extra weight to carry. To make sure he doesn't put too much strain on the rest of the sled team, sometimes Santa has to make the hard call."

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Greatest Basketball Player


Jibby Greenfield was the greatest basketball player the world has ever known. Jibby's moves were miraculous. "There was a game Jib never missed a shot. We kept passin' it to Jibby and he'd knock everything down," recalled Martin Schmitt, forward for the California Spinners. That was 1968, the year Jibby played for the Kansas City Slingers, the Idaho Men, and the California Spinners.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How the World Could End

There are basically 2 great ways for the world to roll toward a crashing halt, only to be pulled back from the crack of doom at the eleventh hour. Every other near apocalypse is melodrama in comparison.

Number one is what I call "The Terminator Problem."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Why Voldemort is a poor Villain.

You Know Funny: Why Voldemort is a poor Villain
Voldemort isn't really a great villain. He's actually not even a decent villain. There's basically 6 main reasons why Voldemort isn't so hot as a villain.

Voldemort is usually always in his dining room or chateau


This places Voldemort squarely in the woman's role. Where's Voldemort's wife during all this time? Probably out making multimillion dollar business deals in the real world while he plays fantasy witch-hunt saying "Potter this" and "Potter that."

In fact, it has to be the case that Voldemort's wife is bringing home all the bacon. How else could Voldemort range around with his oddball cronies all the time and still have the means to live in such nice digs?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Did Shakespeare Write His Plays


For years, scholars have questioned the authorship of so called 'Shakespearean' plays. It is commonly agreed that no one is smart enough or talented enough to write so many great plays. Scholars understand the limits of human intelligence and ability. They know that the answer to the great questions of great human art, technology, architecture, and philosophy lie not in the human realm but are all a result of a higher intelligence: Sperm Whales.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Pistol Jones Runs to Freedom

Now long before the greys sounded the silver bugle and sent them turrible boomin' volleys of cannon flyin, Pistol Jones was pickin' that cotton. Yessuh he was. But Pistol Jones he sees that ole whipman turnin' his back to look upon the pretty black girls and Jones he crouch right down in those thorns. He turned to me and this is what Pistol Jones say:

Pistol Jones


And what was the very next thing I saw? It was Pistol Jones, and he was shooting them boys. One by one he was. I watched him shoot down 500 of those boys. And when he was through he turned to me and he said, "Oh Lawd, If'n my name idn't Pistol Jones my hands, they're burning!"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things That Can Go Wrong


LOST was a great show. I say was to refer to most of the first three seasons and then to a trickle of episodes through the final meandering three seasons. What happened, we all want to to know. How did a show with such great promise meltdown with the toxic horror of Chernobyl? I locked myself in my room for a week to ponder the question, and defying the protests of my English Professors who tell me I am irrationally quick to making vast and undefendable generalizations, I think I have unlocked the secrets to understanding:

The 8 Ways That Good Things Go Impossibly Wrong as Exemplified in the Popular Television Series LOST

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

New Soft Drink: Cracka-Cola

In the last three quarters soda pop sales have plummeted. Diabetes is too risky and people are cutting out the sugary stuff. In an effort to charge back up the sales charts, one drink company has revitalized their image and drink. The new brand?

Friday, April 22, 2011

When Jokes Aren't Funny


We all know the dangers of humor. Funny people meet terrible and tragic ends! Hedberg, Farley, Belushi, The Lone Ranger, Confucius. We all know the grisly stories of these comedians. I'm reminded of the Lone Ranger's dark humor. How he would shoot someone's horse while they were at full gallop for a laugh. I'm really glad that youtube didn't exist while The Lone Ranger was doing his comedy, or else there would have been copycat after copycat of his ruthless farces. It was the worst kind of comedy, but people would fill up auditoriums to see him do all his crazy gags. It was during his bank heist gag that he was mortally wounded.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Movie Review-Hanna (crap alert)


Last night I got Hanna'd. If you havn't seen the movie Hanna. Then count your lucky stars, but it is kind of important in a stupid way. That way being after having seen it, you can say that you've been Hanna'd after watching something that is of arguably superior quality, in poor taste, missing crucial elements which would have helped it make sense, which finishes abruptly.
The movie begins and ends with Hanna shooting things dead at close range, at which point a weird Red Screen pops up that says HANNA in scrawled letters. Probably, this was the worst and best way this movie could have ended. If only because once the HANNA screen pops up, you realize how well you have just been HANNA'd.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ninja Talk

Dear Ralph,
I met a guy today who said he was a ninja. I asked him to show me. He looked at me, and then he said, "trust me, i'm a ninja." But I don't think he's a ninja.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

What do the Wildcats need to beat the Huskies on Saturday?

April 2 marks the day where two college basketball powerhouses come together in perhaps the most epic matchup this year: Uconn, riding on unbelievable momentum and UK, heating up at just the right time.
I believe UK will have to bring two items to the table on Saturday night for success against the soaring Huskies.

Monday, March 21, 2011

How to Blog


There has always been the elusive American dream infecting the sanity of our teeming masses: gold in the hills, thunder on the mountain, jack in the box. Now, in the sci-fi laden 21st century it's dreams of internet stardom that cause blogs to flower like brush and weed across the unending Texan rangelands.
So the question remains:
"What are 7 things that can be done to ensure that
my blog stays forever locked in internet obscurity?"

Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to Rob a Bank

So you've tried your hand at petty theft and you think you're ready for the bigtime? Think again. Before stepping onto the big stage of bank heists, you better read through our guide.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

16 Rules for building your Housecleaning Business.

Are you having trouble kickstarting your Housecleaning franchise? Can’t seem to build a reliable clientele? Running out of steam in a world of unthinkably efficient steam engine cleaning dynamos? We know that you are! Our tested and proved methods will turn your flagging business around in no time. You’ll be a regular John Henry, leaving the corporate machine in the dust. What follows are 15 rules that we promise if you adhere to strictly, will yield the same unerring results. We've seen it work time after time. So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and . . .

Sunday, March 6, 2011

How to Spot a Crook: 7 useful tips


Crooks come in a lot of varieties. Some crooks want to use you and some of them want to be used by you. There are old crooks and young crooks, rich ones and poor ones, big and small. Crooks are smug tricksters that will try to take advantage of you. But they can't trick you if you can see them coming a mile away! Best be on your guard and brush up on How to Spot a Crook.

Pyramid Schemes

Dear Ralph,
I’m having trouble with one of my friends. He always wants to hang out when I’m doing other things, and then he gets mad about it.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Ralph the Cat talks about a bad job

Dear Ralph,
My dad always makes me vacuum the carpets and in the summer I have to cut the grass outside too. I don’t like doing either one of them, but I get an allowance, and that’s pretty good. I like to think about how i’m trading the lawn mowing for ice cream sandwiches. What were your worst jobs?
Your buddy,

Albert Jenkins

To:Albert Jenkins
For a while i worked a job with a wrecker service. i was living up north and there weren’t really good jobs at all, but because of the crazy weather everyone was always getting their car stuck and they had to get pulled out and towed and everything.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ralph the Cat's Fanmail

Dear Ralph,
I’m feeling really low. I don’t really like myself and I don’t really
care about life. I wish I were somewhere else all the time and sometimes
I wish that I never even existed.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

National Anthem

“Hello Kuwait!” Tom yelled, inching the warped metallic B-2 bomber across the empyrean. Tom could press all the buttons on his console by muscle memory, a result of the tireless of work of Drill Sergeant Rock Murray. D.S. Rock Murray with his bulging eyes and perfectly square jaw. “You can’t think boy. If you think I think then think again. I do. I am. Thinking’s no good in this world.” Funny enough, D.S. Rock Murray’s words were now the only thing that Tom could think about.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ralph the Cat's Fanmail

Dear Ralph

I’m a severe hypochondriac. I mean I really can’t sleep.
I’ve tried it all dude. But. Watching your old episodes is
the cure for me. I put one in and bam! I’m asleep.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

More Fanmail

Dear Ralph

I try so hard. But I can’t put the needle down. Can you send me some money?