Saturday, May 21, 2011

Why Voldemort is a poor Villain.

You Know Funny: Why Voldemort is a poor Villain
Voldemort isn't really a great villain. He's actually not even a decent villain. There's basically 6 main reasons why Voldemort isn't so hot as a villain.

Voldemort is usually always in his dining room or chateau

This places Voldemort squarely in the woman's role. Where's Voldemort's wife during all this time? Probably out making multimillion dollar business deals in the real world while he plays fantasy witch-hunt saying "Potter this" and "Potter that."

In fact, it has to be the case that Voldemort's wife is bringing home all the bacon. How else could Voldemort range around with his oddball cronies all the time and still have the means to live in such nice digs?

Voldemort doesn't have a nose

Being down one sensory apparatus, Voldemort is at a distinct disadvantage. If he could smell, he'd have no trouble tracking down the smelly children of Hogwarts that he despises so greatly.

Voldemort doesn't get a lot of screen-time

This boils down to the sad fact that Voldemort isn't a very clearly defined character. He's kind of like the stick figure drawing version of a character. Yes, there's something there, but what?

I can't tell what!! Voldemort so very rarely appears onscreen that you don't really know. I mean, he likes snakes and he's a got a symphony conductor's stick but geez,
don't you think that in a movie series that spans something like
twenty cinematic hours, that we could have more than about 20 minutes
total screen-time with the movie's major villain?

I'll tell you why I think he's missing in action. His wife has probably forced him get a part-time job as a fry cook at Burger King to help pay the electric bill at Chateau Voldemort.

Voldemort has no reason for being bad

But he's bad nonetheless! Mercilessly bad! Bad to the bone!

But Why? Did he go have some terrible experience at Hogwarts as a kid? Maybe Dumbledore failed him in applied wand-making. Maybe he's angry that he has to put in all those hours at Burger King under the thumb of a controlling and badgering wife.

Voldemort rhymes with Hogwart

Think about it. Something doesn't add up here, which brings me to the point that Voldemort's name is dumb and he should have been called,
Crazy Violent Death-heads Man.

Crazy Violent Death-heads Man describes Voldemort's appearance and idiom in a more straightforward manner and is a more frightening name.

For those who care:
Vold is old norse for Violence
Mort is latin for Death

So, I mean, good job J.K., but since no one knows old norse or latin anymore, I maintain that he should have been called:

Crazy Violent Death-heads Man

Pretty much anyone can stop Voldemort

The only thing people have to do is point their wand at him and the weird lightning attacks are stopped. We all witnessed Harry Potter stop him in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows with no real problem at all while flying in the sidecar.

All of this goes to show that Voldemort is a major let down in the Villain department, and basically just as ineffective as the stereotypical Scooby Doo Villain. I can hear Voldemort now, "If it hadn't been for those meddling kids . . ."


  1. Tom Marvolo Riddle = I am Lord Voldemort
    In the first few books, Voldemort actually didn't have a body, and was living on the back of Quirrel's head and in a Forest. Once he got his body back (with only part of his soul, which is why he looks so much like a snake, snake = devil, blah blah) he stayed in his father's old house (after he killed the family there, of course) and he also stayed with his death eaters (like how he stays with the Malfoys in the last book). The reason Harry was able to stop him so easily in the sidecar is because Harry's wand and Voldemort's want both contain the feather of a phoenix, the same phoenix, so they're brother wands. The books also give countless explanations as to why Voldemort is evil.
    The movies suck.
    Entertaining blog post, nonetheless.

  2. Right, so Voldemort is not yet a fully operational battlestation.

  3. If you actually read the Harry Potter books maybe your post wouldn't sound so retarded and baseless:

    1. Voldemort has no wife because he feels no love and he doesn't have a "chateau" he works out of Malfoy Manor which he doesn't own.

    2. Voldemort has a nose, a snake nose but still a nose. This just increases his creepiness and the evil inside him because he isn't fully human.

    3. This isn't true of the far superior books where entire chapters are devoted to Voldemort and his backstory, etc.

    4. If you read the books you would know that Voldemort grew up in a miserable orphanage because his muggle father abandoned his witch mother and left her and her unborn child in a miserable situation which resulted in his mother's death in childbirth. This is a pretty shitty childhood and he had no real parental mentors growing up.

    5. Voldemort is not a stupid name. Period.

    6. If you actually paid attention you'd know that pretty much all of this is dead wrong because of the prophecy/Voldemort's horcruxes/the twin cores.

    Maybe next time you'll do some research before you make yourself look like such a huge dumbass.

    1. I'm very sure you're wrong about number 2. Voldemort's wife has got to be some kind of head surgeon at a big medical center somewhere. She probably even tried to do reconstructive facial surgery on Voldie's nose.

  4. read the books and ever thing will be clear, or don't I care.

  5. The fact you're basing all of this on the movies is why Voldemort seems so lame. Not only did the movies do a horrible job of accurately depicting the books, they glossed over significant issues, and honestly, I hated the movie Voldemort. He's crazy and acts like he's cracked out on LSD half of the time, not a cold, calm individual with major personality disorders.
    My boyfriend and I make fun of how he wails "Avada Kedavra" and does fancy hand movements.

  6. Right, so the entire Harry Potter series could just be Voldemort's bad trip?


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