Sunday, May 14, 2017

Letter from Adolf Hitler to Eva Braun, May 12, 1941


Dearest fraulein, Eva,

Mein struggles ist endless! Now it issen dreams that haunten me. Ich haben kammen to believe that Ich bin dreaming of der futuren! In sie futuren, der U.S.A. ist nacht gut. Nacht gut at all! Der orange mann stolen presidency with helpen of Russisch! Diss mann full of lies und is nicht so smart. Diss mann bekamen angry when volk say his hands are schmal! Imagine diss same mann haben access to nuklearwaffe und atomwaffen! Becausen of der futuren dreams, Ich vill attacken Russisch! Iffen I kann conquren Russisch, futuren orange mann will not prevail on hissen own! 

Dein kämpfender Liebhaber [ed. - translation "your strugglin' lover"],
Dolphy

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Names for a Coffee Shop

At You Know, Funny, we know how hard coming up with ideas can be. We were once kidnapped by Russian producers and held hostage in the bathroom of a nondescript apartment until we wrote a screenplay for a feature length technological thriller involving vampires. Did we finish the screenplay? You bet we did! We called it Vampire Bytes, were quite proud of it, and saddened that it never got past post-production. But, the whole point of that is to say that we want to save you the humiliation of using a name that hasn't been properly vetted. You might serve an incredible brew, but without a good name, your business will quickly fall through!

So, here's a bunch of names for Coffee Shops. Use them! They are free. You don't even have to ask. They're yours!

The Daily Grind
Running Latte
How have you Bean
Coffee / Pot (only for states with legalized marijuana sales)
Cafe Fiend
Ugly Mugs
Coffee Office
Coffee Instant
Sundollars
Circlemoney
Shapecurrency (after three of these, you get it, right?)
Spoonful of Sigur Ros
No Filter
Black Ice Coffee
Coffee Can!
Day Drippers Coffee
Coffee, Tea, & Pee
Coffee Cult
Bean Scene
Mucho Mocha
American'tsayno
Creama Dreama



Friday, March 31, 2017

10 ways to Spot Fake News!

This is the 21st century, the age of unreality. Fake news is everywhere. Heck, this could be a fake website for all you know, it's administrator a Russian-created spambot. So, how can you, a level-headed citizen, sort through what's real and what's fake? Read on and you'll learn

10 ways to Spot Fake News! 


1. Check the comments section of the website you're reading. Are the commenters spelling words correctly? Stringing together complete sentences? Spouting unchecked hatred toward minorities, women, religious groups? While you may occasionally find one or two weird comments on just about any website, if most of them fit into these categories, you've fallen into a quagmire of fake news, my friend.

2. Does the information you are reading support a version of reality widely held as false? Does it support anarchism, Putin, the plutocratic elite? Does the information maintain that Elvis is one of Trump's staffers? Does the article present fascism as a viable alternative to democracy? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, do yourself a favor and unplug for a bit.

3. Alternately, one way to gain assurance that what you're reading is accurate news is if the President of the United States has recently claimed it's fake news. If the President says it's fake, it's not.

4. Has the President advocated a news site, or is the President business partners or affiliated with an editor of a website? You guessed it: fake news.

5. When you look up the author of the article you are reading, do you find information about how they intentionally create fake news to pile up revenue? When a writer boasts about the money they make by creating fake news, that pretty well sinks their ethos to the bottom of the well.

6. Does the website you have found an article on have a merch site? Now, be assured that a merch site doesn't necessarily discredit any of the information on a website; however, the type of merchandise sold is a good indicator of whether you have found a fake news site. Can you buy various items through the website to ready yourself for an apocalypse? What would that be? Oh, you know, assault rifles, bullet-proof vests, muscle enhancement pills, biological safety masks. Don't laugh--or, at least, after you laugh, realize that this is real.

7. You read something about a reality TV show star becoming the president of the US? Sorry to tell you, but that's all real.

8. Does the news you read assert that gun massacres or holocausts never occurred? Fake! Be aware that this piece of advice is tricky. Sometimes fake news, especially news issued from the White (lie) House will claim false gun massacres did occur. Be assured, they didn't.

9. Do you get agitated, depressed, angry, scared, or have other negative emotions while reading the news in question? Sorry to tell you, but that's the nature of the 21st century. 

10. Did you follow the link from someone's twitter, facebook, or other social media post? That doesn't automatically mean that you've found fake news, but it certainly raises the suspect levels a notch or two. Do yourself a favor and unfriend any Russian spambots you might have hanging around on your friend list. What is a Russian spambot? Anything in a bikini, usually.