tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36626184936918830032024-03-05T17:57:10.048-05:00 You Know, FunnyJoseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.comBlogger241125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-83373503392481459262019-02-20T09:18:00.000-05:002019-02-20T09:18:37.332-05:00Ralph discusses loose teethDear Ralph,<br />
<br />
My tooth is loose and I’m really scared about how much it will hurt coming out.<br />
Your Buddy Philip<br />
<br />
To: my buddy Phillip<br />
I’m real sorry to hear that Philip. Losing teeth is a lot like going through a lifetime of failed relationships. The first loss feels deeply traumatic. Even if people tell you about how it will hurt, there’s really nothing there to help you understand what kind of pain you’re going to have to deal with. But suddenly it appears. This awful thing that wrenches your guts, and the blood, tremendous blood. And after its over there’s a hole that you can fit your tongue inside. The hole goes away I guess but not fast enough that you don’t discover how tender the thing really is. You can’t let anything get near the tender part for a long time, and then even once it’s all sort of healed, you still feel weary of testing it out to see if it will still hurt or not.<br />
Then the teeth start dropping like flies. Two gone almost at once sometimes. It doesn’t make any sense how they can drop out so quickly. How on earth could there be two different holes to deal with. There’s no direction you can turn without running into the problem, so you just don’t eat for a while because it’s too hard to deal with. Crazy stuff Phillip. I will say that sometimes it felt good to just yank that thing out. To taste the blood in your mouth and know that it’s over. I guess I still haven’t figured out how it is that the last few teeth to go don’t really seem to hurt quite as much when they come out. By then you figure out methods for making it a painless process. You push gently over a period of days and then it slides out almost by itself. But then the last one goes and there’s nothing left except crazy things to remember.<br />
<br />
Your Friend,<br />
Ralph the Cat<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-43101832983511143622018-03-27T16:16:00.000-04:002019-02-20T09:17:56.854-05:00Chimpanzee Mistaken for Governor wins Reelection!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7otW8NPZdWeDOQ3rKB6ILOrpz73wkvMlOQwOpkSm2-1QqCSnX8UvQ9i7sgYBo-gVRIoCqPGRsaTDid0z0qw6N6y7cw2A5HFP6osfI3FcuGbehb_dCHpMgJdizfnoDuazPIDce3NZEpcU2/s1600/monkey-1757972_960_720+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="721" data-original-width="783" height="587" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7otW8NPZdWeDOQ3rKB6ILOrpz73wkvMlOQwOpkSm2-1QqCSnX8UvQ9i7sgYBo-gVRIoCqPGRsaTDid0z0qw6N6y7cw2A5HFP6osfI3FcuGbehb_dCHpMgJdizfnoDuazPIDce3NZEpcU2/s640/monkey-1757972_960_720+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
It's not clear what happened to Indiana's governor. No one can pinpoint the moment that Governor Richie Ne'erdowell dropped out of public view and was replaced by Bibbly the Chimp, but the change felt natural enough. "One day you hear Governor Ne'erdowell say he's pushing an agenda to cut education funding and eliminate state-supported welfare programs, the next day Bibbly is flinging his own poop at the crowd that turned out to hear the Governor speak.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, I got hit with some monkey poop," said Ted Kneebles. "But then the monkey jumped around on the stage. I forgot all about the poop and had a good time. No, the monkey didn't speak, and I admit that was disappointing, I liked hearing Ne'erdowell talk about everything he wanted to do for flyover country. You know, get rid of the Mexicans, get rid of schools, get rid of the Syrians, get rid of the Arabs, get rid of the Vietcong, get rid of the Martians, get rid of the UFOs, get rid of the deep state, get rid of the Pod People."<br />
<br />
Nine out of ten Indiana residents report they are satisfied with the change, citing that hatred of outsiders is down, education is going strong, and the poor are at least in no less squalor than before.<br />
<br />
In Indianapolis, many representatives are frustrated from the difficulty of pushing legislation through with a monkey in charge. Republican representative Tom Jeddy is less than amused with Bibbly. "I work hard every day on behalf of the lobbyists that line my pockets with fat cash, and we meet with Bibbly and go nowhere! Nowhere at all! I haven't seen a thing happen on the hill since that monkey took power. The political scene has gone bananas!"<br />
<br />
We sent an email to Bibbly, asking about his long-term goals for the Hoosier State, but he gave no response.<br />
<br />
Bibbly's former campaign manager and current head staffer, Felonius Monkey, told us that Bibbly immediately planned to visit a key region in the state that supported him in the race, the Indianapolis Zoo.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-88524758706696880952018-03-27T15:00:00.000-04:002019-02-20T09:17:44.138-05:00How to Party Like an Unscrupulous Billionaire President: 7 Simple Steps<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEismuxrHS177L-ZkjAkcdb_8plxTverarg3Ikjbze73ph7aSfgPrNT1nYXxq8aOejozXZPsFAXudL-NTAYKfHJJIpVqwqllvviS1Al03WQfFlre8_2D6XX1af4Af1FBa2i8p8PeQ9a0EMg0/s1600/mansion-werribee-park.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEismuxrHS177L-ZkjAkcdb_8plxTverarg3Ikjbze73ph7aSfgPrNT1nYXxq8aOejozXZPsFAXudL-NTAYKfHJJIpVqwqllvviS1Al03WQfFlre8_2D6XX1af4Af1FBa2i8p8PeQ9a0EMg0/s640/mansion-werribee-park.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />
So you're ready to up your partying game? You've had enough of lower class lounging around? You've just inherited a sizable fortune and you're ready to step out? You've come to the right place. We've been where you want to go and have all the advice you need to party like an unscrupulous billionaire president!<br />
<br />
Step 1: Spend more time looking in the mirror. You've got to <i>love </i>yourself. I mean really love yourself. We're not just talking having confidence here. We're talking about truly believing that anyone that isn't you or isn't your breast-enhanced daughter are scum. How are you going to enjoy a party if you're not the most beautiful, amazing person at the soiree?<br />
<br />
Step 2: Litigate. Sue everyone for 1000% of what they're worth. If someone has written a satirical blog post about a caricature of you, torpedo them with a lawsuit! If someone claims that you threatened to hurt them if they spill the beans about a sexual tryst you manipulated them into, only a million dollar lawsuit will do! Once you've pocketed all those Benjamins, it's party time, baby!<br />
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Step 3: If you're going to party like a Billionaire President, you're going to need to become president. The easiest way into this lofty role is to lie, steal, collude, fingerpoint, name call, lie more, pay off the hookers you slept with, come up with catchy and disparaging nicknames for your political rivals, get the KKK and the NRA behind you, talk up your sexual prowess, make backroom deals with Vladimir Putin, and play on the fear of American citizens. You may want to take a page out of Adolf Hitler's playbook and blame America's problems on a specific group of people. However, if you are uneasy with pogroms or even just inciting hate, this might be the time for you to step aside to let the big boys through.<br />
<br />
Step 4: Oh. You're still in this thing? Fine, though it felt like you were on the verge of dropping out there. Well, now that your president, you can start the party, but you'll need to watch your back. I recommend firing people regularly or, at the very least, alienating your staff by tweeting hateful things about them and the groups they are affiliated with so that they willingly leave. You need someone dropping out of your staff on the reg. What's a party if there aren't broken-hearts boohooing at home?<br />
<br />
Step 5: Are you going to enough golf tournaments? You really can't go to enough golf tournaments. With all the money you're raking in from laundering money from Russian crime lords, buy some golf courses! Host celebrity tournaments! Invite hookers, porn stars, and Playboy Bunnies! You're a billionaire president, it's time like you acted like one. Hustle those exotic women into your hotel room. Don't worry about diseases. If you get something unpleasant, you can fund scientists to science it out of your body.<br />
<br />
Step 6: Never, and I mean never, release your tax statements. Do I need to explain this one? Do you need the headache of the American intelligence community knowing about your involvement with bad actors and less than reputable political and corporate entities?<br />
<br />
Step 7: Go to Jail! Sorry. Maybe you should have read Step 7 first, but didn't you know that's where all this was headed? You had to! Maybe the result of Step 1's mirror stage really did mar your view of reality. No matter! Your view of reality will soon be filled with steel and concrete. Hey, at least you can relish the memories!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-58932975178925072182017-08-09T16:58:00.003-04:002019-02-20T09:18:22.287-05:00Tower Defender<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdFbrOHWV_lo0Apu5gwiaJ3unvoTgcFB-4Os99aE_0u6MQXOhAkR1rLrXnOJVnmNOC3LtW6-_mvjLiWfpxDz-wgiI0fVHE5QsjD04uLTp0d1tBCi7McyUbsuzNppphBfBaS0svARlXUuq/s1600/Tower+Defender+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxdFbrOHWV_lo0Apu5gwiaJ3unvoTgcFB-4Os99aE_0u6MQXOhAkR1rLrXnOJVnmNOC3LtW6-_mvjLiWfpxDz-wgiI0fVHE5QsjD04uLTp0d1tBCi7McyUbsuzNppphBfBaS0svARlXUuq/s640/Tower+Defender+Cover.jpg" width="400" /></a><br />
<br />
Check out the new science fiction novel, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Tower-Defender-Joseph-Hurtgen-ebook/dp/B074KJWD1N/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502312229&sr=8-1&keywords=tower+defender+hurtgen">Tower Defender</a>, from Joseph Hurtgen!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction.</span></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-73050336323943762392017-05-14T11:00:00.004-04:002019-02-20T09:16:37.568-05:00Letter from Adolf Hitler to Eva Braun, May 12, 1941<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpHmyHXZeUMUEIurguDkza1ikQw__ZeBp5wZ5Lhqzf68FFUIb6NuKwb5mfxBQPRdTSR_1wkGiSPm6K_klnkFvg6dSeCEzyDeTOAgF0cZ0DO5zImORBUxDF-CWK7ABLSamCe0OIk4K_wOV/s1600/Dolphy+and+Braun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="220" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpHmyHXZeUMUEIurguDkza1ikQw__ZeBp5wZ5Lhqzf68FFUIb6NuKwb5mfxBQPRdTSR_1wkGiSPm6K_klnkFvg6dSeCEzyDeTOAgF0cZ0DO5zImORBUxDF-CWK7ABLSamCe0OIk4K_wOV/s400/Dolphy+and+Braun.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dearest fraulein, Eva,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Mein struggles ist endless! Now it issen dreams that haunten me. Ich haben kammen to believe that Ich bin dreaming of der futuren! In sie futuren, der U.S.A. ist nacht gut. Nacht gut at all! Der orange mann stolen presidency with helpen of Russisch! Diss mann full of lies und is nicht so smart. Diss mann bekamen angry when volk say his hands are schmal! Imagine diss same mann haben access to nuklearwaffe und atomwaffen! Becausen of der futuren dreams, Ich vill attacken Russisch! Iffen I kann conquren Russisch, futuren orange mann will not prevail on hissen own! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span> <span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dein kämpfender Liebhaber [ed. - translation "your strugglin' lover"],</span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">Dolphy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><br /></span></div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-12165416898959484622017-04-11T01:25:00.000-04:002019-02-20T09:16:55.597-05:00Names for a Coffee ShopAt You Know, Funny, we know how hard coming up with ideas can be. We were once kidnapped by Russian producers and held hostage in the bathroom of a nondescript apartment until we wrote a screenplay for a feature length technological thriller involving vampires. Did we finish the screenplay? You bet we did! We called it <i>Vampire Bytes, </i>were quite proud of it, and saddened that it never got past post-production. But, the whole point of that is to say that we want to save you the humiliation of using a name that hasn't been properly vetted. You might serve an incredible brew, but without a good name, your business will quickly fall through!<br />
<br />
So, here's a bunch of names for Coffee Shops. Use them! They are free. You don't even have to ask. They're yours!<br />
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The Daily Grind<br />
Running Latte<br />
How have you Bean<br />
Coffee / Pot (only for states with legalized marijuana sales)<br />
Cafe Fiend<br />
Ugly Mugs<br />
Coffee Office<br />
Coffee Instant<br />
Sundollars<br />
Circlemoney<br />
Shapecurrency (after three of these, you get it, right?)<br />
Spoonful of Sigur Ros<br />
No Filter<br />
Black Ice Coffee<br />
Coffee Can!<br />
Day Drippers Coffee<br />
Coffee, Tea, & Pee<br />
Coffee Cult<br />
Bean Scene<br />
Mucho Mocha<br />
American'tsayno<br />
Creama Dreama<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span><br />
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<br />Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-6483174321672336212017-03-31T16:22:00.000-04:002019-02-20T09:17:29.775-05:0010 ways to Spot Fake News!This is the 21st century, the age of unreality. Fake news is everywhere. Heck, this could be a fake website for all you know, it's administrator a Russian-created spambot. So, how can you, a level-headed citizen, sort through what's real and what's fake? Read on and you'll learn<br />
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<h3>
10 ways to Spot Fake News! </h3>
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1. Check the comments section of the website you're reading. Are the commenters spelling words correctly? Stringing together complete sentences? Spouting unchecked hatred toward minorities, women, religious groups? While you may occasionally find one or two weird comments on just about any website, if most of them fit into these categories, you've fallen into a quagmire of fake news, my friend.</div>
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2. Does the information you are reading support a version of reality widely held as false? Does it support anarchism, Putin, the plutocratic elite? Does the information maintain that Elvis is one of Trump's staffers? Does the article present fascism as a viable alternative to democracy? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, do yourself a favor and unplug for a bit.</div>
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3. Alternately, one way to gain assurance that what you're reading is accurate news is if the President of the United States has recently claimed it's fake news. If the President says it's fake, it's not.</div>
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4. Has the President advocated a news site, or is the President business partners or affiliated with an editor of a website? You guessed it: fake news.</div>
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5. When you look up the author of the article you are reading, do you find information about how they intentionally create fake news to <a href="http://www.marketwatch.com/story/this-person-makes-10000-a-month-writing-fake-news-2016-11-17">pile up revenue</a>? When a writer boasts about the money they make by creating fake news, that pretty well sinks their ethos to the bottom of the well.</div>
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6. Does the website you have found an article on have a merch site? Now, be assured that a merch site doesn't necessarily discredit any of the information on a website; however, the type of merchandise sold is a good indicator of whether you have found a fake news site. Can you buy various items through the website to ready yourself for an apocalypse? What would that be? Oh, you know, assault rifles, bullet-proof vests, muscle enhancement pills, biological safety masks. Don't laugh--or, at least, after you laugh, realize that this is <a href="https://www.infowarsstore.com/preparedness/nuclear-and-biological.html">real</a>.</div>
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7. You read something about a reality TV show star becoming the president of the US? Sorry to tell you, but that's all real.</div>
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8. Does the news you read assert that gun massacres or holocausts never occurred? Fake! Be aware that this piece of advice is tricky. Sometimes fake news, especially news issued from the White (lie) House will claim false gun massacres did occur. Be assured, they didn't.</div>
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9. Do you get agitated, depressed, angry, scared, or have other negative emotions while reading the news in question? Sorry to tell you, but that's the nature of the 21st century. </div>
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10. Did you follow the link from someone's twitter, facebook, or other social media post? That doesn't automatically mean that you've found fake news, but it certainly raises the suspect levels a notch or two. Do yourself a favor and unfriend any Russian spambots you might have hanging around on your friend list. What is a Russian spambot? Anything in a bikini, usually.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span></div>
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<h2>
</h2>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-89756989330426801752016-04-06T22:25:00.002-04:002019-02-20T09:19:00.314-05:00Dear Joseph: Advice for better livingDear Joseph,<br />
My husband likes to walk around without pants, but demands that I wear pants all the time. I work full-time and he stays at home playing video games. I want him to wear pants, but he insists that I wear the pants in the family. What should I do?<br />
<br />
-The Very Best Betsy<br />
<br />
Dear Betsy,<br />
There's really one question you need to ask yourself. Do you like wearing pants? If the answer is yes, then you've wasted your time writing me a letter. If the answer is no, it's time to hire a team of ex-military agents to kidnap your husband, take him to a tropical jungle, and put him through a series of life-threatening adventures similar to the video games he loves. Make the object of his jungle adventure to find scraps of materials with which he can make a pair of camouflage pants to protect against political insurgents mucking about in the jungle, sniping at signs of life. After a couple of weeks, if he hasn't been eaten by tigers, have the ex-military agents recapture him and imprison him in a hut, water-boarding him while using hypnotism and suggestion techniques to instill a desire to wear pants in both a literal and figurative sense. Have one of the agents remove one of his molars and leave a mark on his chest with a branding iron. He'll be a changed man when he gets home!<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Joseph,<br />
I don't know how to tie things together very well. I've tried to learn many different knots but they are useless to me. I've heard that astroknots are quite useful. Can you please help me learn how to tie an astroknot?<br />
<br />
-Brandon Burg<br />
<br />
Dear Brandon Burg,<br />
Your best bet at tying an astroknot is to jettison extra weight in your shuttle and boost to maximum throttle.<br />
<br />
Dear Joseph,<br />
I think my two sons are selling as well as smoking drugs and running a pornography website. There are floozy looking women coming and going all the time around here and a constant stream of cars pulling up to the backdoor, honking their horns while they wait for one of my boys to go out and hand over bags in exchange for lots of money. I want to discipline them, but they just bought a new house for us to live in and I was able to quit my factory job and can now receive doctor's care for my aching bones form all those years bending over putting sprockets together. What should I do?<br />
<br />
-Wanting to contact higher authority<br />
<br />
Dear Contact high,<br />
There's an old phrase about learning how to choose your battles. In a situation like you've described, you have to ask yourself what you can live with. Are the floozy women putting you over the edge? Is it just that there's too many floozy women? Maybe you don't want your boys to smoke any drugs? Maybe you are looking out for the floozy women, and are afraid that your boys will have a bad influence on them and cause them to smoke drugs? Maybe you don't like the implications of the boys selling drugs illegally? Maybe it would be better if they became pharmacists in wholesome drugstores that sell more tasteful men's magazines? All the same, it sounds to me that your sons are true Americans, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, making a living by the sweat of their brow. They may not be doing honest work, but it's honestly work!<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span><br />
<br />Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-25844886863947585932015-09-29T12:24:00.000-04:002019-02-20T09:19:18.549-05:00Baffle HouseI always like my time at Baffle House. Everything is pretty there. I always eat 17 baffle burgers and then wash all the dishes in lieu of payment. I like to eat with Baffle Washington, the owner of Baffle House. He can eat every baffle burger in a flash. Sometimes we scarf down food until we see double. At 4 am, the Baffle Host locks the doors so we drive around town shooting video. I have video of Baffle Washington chucking Bricks from an overpass. No one was hurt in the making of my film. So to recap:<br />
<a name='more'></a>Baffle all your friends by creating your own language<br />
<br />
Invite Baffle Washington over and tell him to bring a sack full of his hamburgers.<br />
<br />
At 4 am go out on the town.<br />
<br />
Shoot plenty of video footage!<br />
<br />
Overpass!<br />
<br />
At 5am tell Baffle Washington you've had it and go home.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-40196260768825172172015-09-29T12:20:00.001-04:002019-02-20T09:19:30.772-05:00Crystal VisionIt had been over a decade since Kyle last had a crystal vision. At the time he was living in Central Park writing poetry and selling tin-cans to the natives. Though prized as local color, he had not been able to provide for himself financially. Kyle became a businessman, employing raccoons to lift loose change from vending machines in exchange for acorns and shiny buttons. The second crystal vision came much as the first did, quickly and without notice. Kyle entered the trance as he handed a large raccoon a brass button. A giant eagle-headed man appeared before Kyle and spoke in a thick cockney accent. "Kyle! You bastard! Why haven't you replied to any of me message? I've called six times, me joiner! Answer the stinking phone!" Just as the Eagle headed-man finished insulting Kyle's promptness to answer calls, he vanished as if he had never been there at all. Kyle stood motionless as he stared into the sky where the messenger had been, still holding tightly onto the button, which the raccoon bit at. Somewhere far off, a phone rang and Kyle returned to reality. Jumping up from his cardboard box he released the button from his grasp, much to the rodent's pleasure, and dashed off towards the sound of ringing. The man with crystal visions shot like a bullet across the park, knocking over dogs and small children as he sailed toward the unanswered phone, his unanswered destiny. The sound of Kyle's destiny had been coming from a young lady's purse. The woman was beautiful and had the most gorgeous smile Kyle had ever seen. The vixen screamed and smacked Kyle as he plunged his hand deep into the purse. As the woman yelled for help, Kyle found the phone next to a pack of cigarettes. Yanking the phone free, he answered, "Hello? Hello? Are you there?? Hello?" A group of security officers armed with tasers rushed towards Kyle. A particularly fast officer made it to Kyle first, thrusting the taser into his gut, at which Kyle immediately buckled over as the phone dropped from his hands. As more officers crowded around poking Kyle with high-voltage tasers, Kyle could faintly hear the pre-recorded message from the phone which laid inches from his face. "Hello Ms. Vanderblume! We just wanted to remind you that your next appointment with Dr. Smoot is tomorrow at 4:15! Remember to brush so you can keep those pearly whites, pearly white!"<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-33136643200128492552015-09-22T19:27:00.001-04:002019-02-20T09:19:43.958-05:00The Voodoo ShamanThe Voodoo Shaman stood wise and tall like the mighty oak. The feathers from his headdress touched the sky like little fingers which tickled the heavens. His name was Pongo-Motassum and he was the wise one. He had been raised by vampires, but did not bear the curse of the nosferatu. He wore only a headdress of golden ostrich fathers and a long flowing velvet cape. Running and crashing through the brush of the jungle floor he was indeed a mad-man, quick as light from the sun. He spoke no longer the words of man, but instead screamed unrecognizable words to beasts and plants. Every morning he challenged the wildlife, calling in his strange tongue, taunting the beasts. “MEGASSO CHA GOLMBA!” he cried to the boar and the boar did fight him and Pungo did best him. “CHUY DOL SEEMA!” he called to the bear and the bear did fight him and Pungo bested him also. “EM CHUNGA BULOSSA MONTE!” cried Pungo to the mighty beaver and the mighty beaver did fight him and Pungo did bite and gnaw his foe into submission. And once he had beaten his oppponent, Pungo’s vampire elders descended from the lilac branches to feast on the dish which lay helpless on the jungle floor. Like machines, the elders drank blood as Pongo watched from a distance, for Pongo was no Vampire.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-5665971165730560202015-09-22T19:25:00.002-04:002019-02-20T09:20:00.733-05:00Randolph PentagardnerRandolf Pentagardner wanted desperately to have seven daughters simultaneously by seven women. “They must at least,” he thought, “be born in the same cut off time for fall eligibility to enter school.” He imagined the throng of beautiful daughters. All half German-English and the other half a medley of world culture. His head spun: “I’ll have a coca-cola commercial of diversity for a family!” The girls he would groom from the earliest conceivable age to be a perfect basketball team. He had thought for a while of adopting but he needed filial love to inspire the girls to professional level athleticism. Randolf turned his home into a basketball gymnasium. He had the ceilings raised appropriately. He hand painted the 3 - point line as well as a precise portrait of Zwanfano, the deity from outerspace who had inspired him with his passion in a prophetic series of nights experiencing open visions of his beautiful daughters executing a perfect triangle offense. Zwanfano had brought in his legal representative to assure that he would recieve 3% of any profits Randolf accrued from merchandising. “A small price to pay!” Randolf thought as walked the streets of New York City. He would go to bars for the next three months to carry out his mission. A glimmer of remorse entered Randolf’s heart when he thought about Zwanfano. “Will the basketball team of my daughter’s eclipse the joy I had with Zwanfano?<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-27790127483470369522014-08-28T19:05:00.001-04:002019-02-20T09:20:21.267-05:00How to be AwesomeBeing awesome isn't all that hard if you're already awesome. If you're not awesome yet, then being awesome is quite difficult, if not impossible. Those that are awesome tend to become more awesome, while those not awesome tend to pull further and further away from awesomeness.<br />
<br />
If this comes as a revelation, then I'm sorry to say that I've just learned what side of awesome you're on.<br />
<br />
But here's the crucial thing to realize: there are many paths to being awesome.<br />
<br />
If you aren't awesome now, it probably means that you've just got a lot more work to do than some to reach your goals.<br />
<br />
I'm now basically going to list out a bunch of directives that should be followed rather closely in order to achieve your awesome goals.<br />
<br />
1. Conceptualize awesome. People get where they are going because they had a destination in mind.<br />
<br />
For me, this means to keep writing--to write in such a way that I would if I were being paid well to do it.<br />
<br />
2. Think of small goals that will help move things along in practical ways.<br />
<br />
Example: solve my outlining problem by coming up with a solution for needing to be able to visualize argumentative/narrative structure. This has always been a problem for me. I sometimes fantasize about having a crazy big wall to write everything out on. But I'd want to use hieroglyphs. Pictures can say so many things at once.<br />
<br />
3. Try to focus on longterm achievement rather than short term gratification. This can be somewhat curbed by allowing for small ways to find short term gratification, so long as it is in service to the longterm.<br />
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4. Don't worry or think much about how far away from being awesome you are.<br />
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5. Enjoy your life one breath at a time.<br />
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6. Remember that a good summary for what you will do in a lifetime is revealed by your actions today.<br />
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7. Don't get angry, get motivated.<br />
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8. Don't worry if some of your work doesn't fall in line with your original goals. You're working at it after all.<br />
<br />
Example: This post isn't funny, yet it's posted on a website ostensibly devoted to humor. I guess the irony of that has its comical element, but I can sympathize with fans biting their nails at Bill Murray as he takes on role after monotonously unfunny role. I truly apologize. Four years of working on a PhD in the humanities has its way replacing mirth with girth.<br />
<br />
9. Number nine, number nine, number nine, number nine . . .<br />
<br />
10. man<br />
<br />
11. go to heaven<br />
<br />
12. Don't concentrate on lists. They are usually full of bogus, if not outright questionable material.<br />
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13. Don't consult the internet for as much as you have been. You should start to think of the internet as mostly being a list full of questionable material.<br />
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14. Watch out against substituting a little mistake for a bad mistake. Why not do something excellent?<br />
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15. Laugh more.<br />
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16. Enjoy your favorites. Don't let anyone take your favorites from you--especially yourself.<br />
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17. Learn as much as you can.<br />
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18. Don't worry about money but try to eat healthy foods, get good rest, and stay away from drugs and too much alcohol.<br />
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19. Write to the people doing the things you want to do. Try to learn as much as you can from them.<br />
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20. Forgive Michael Jackson for his weirdness. What will happen when you're famous, working to help out poverty stricken African nations and you discover your hidden love for golden military duds? Reconsider all those times you've chuckled at Jackson now before it's too late.<br />
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21. Pray<br />
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22. At least one time, set your alarm for 4:45 and force yourself to get up and work on your craft.<br />
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23. Wooden Pterodactyl sets hung from the ceiling<br />
<br />
24. blah blah black sheep<br />
<br />
25. go to Paris just once! See the lovely buildings there. Eat a salad ruined by anchovies. Realize that you should have memorized your credit card pin number before your trip. Try to stay away from the gypsies that have been seemingly multiplying since the sun started setting.<br />
<br />
26. marry someone who enjoys you<br />
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27. make sure to eventually return to your pursuit after you've quit in disgust. Trails can be resumed.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-41708371129324408662013-11-16T21:20:00.001-05:002019-02-20T09:20:39.238-05:00Watch a beautiful scene from saw... slightly altered.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/NNQZEM7y8u0" width="560"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri;"><span style="background-color: white;">Head to <a href="http://rapidtransmission.blogspot.com/">Rapid Transmission</a> for analysis and review of Science Fiction</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><a href="https://amzn.to/2GZvjID" style="color: #9800ff; text-decoration-line: none;">Tower Defender</a></i></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538552051354913639noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-89563266244960475052013-10-14T12:23:00.000-04:002013-10-14T12:23:05.244-04:00Diggity Dawgs<center>
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Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-47468619440087161982013-10-09T15:06:00.000-04:002013-10-09T15:06:11.859-04:00The Surgeon General's Last Warning by Peter Hurtgen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCpmYgiDG75z_3PXaPQ7Iq48Ute2wCI7VM0r_nR57dLcq7HEYVJeAeAxZOYARRcqerRmtePnVa0qPd1rYUKZ8caucr10Y9jQBdrmSwH9cHZUFvjPpKNS0n2ZLDk-dk6KZTWzoacH0tW5gO/s1600/surgeon-generals-warning.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCpmYgiDG75z_3PXaPQ7Iq48Ute2wCI7VM0r_nR57dLcq7HEYVJeAeAxZOYARRcqerRmtePnVa0qPd1rYUKZ8caucr10Y9jQBdrmSwH9cHZUFvjPpKNS0n2ZLDk-dk6KZTWzoacH0tW5gO/s320/surgeon-generals-warning.JPG" width="320" alt="surgeon generals warning"/></a></div>
<br />Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-73129924722197703292013-10-07T13:26:00.000-04:002013-10-09T15:04:32.640-04:00We All Live In A Yellow Submarine by Peter Hurtgen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-52723469244313077532013-09-26T16:31:00.003-04:002013-09-26T16:31:44.322-04:00Random Advice ColumnThoughts on Fortune-Telling and Luck<br />
<br />
First of all you can't think that you're life is gonna match up to what you see in the horoscope columns of the funny pages. That stuff's in the funny pages for a reason, it's not serious. You might as well be waiting for wisdom to drip from the grizzled lips of Hagar the Horrible if you think the horoscope is gonna do anything for you. People who read the horoscopes are the same kind of people that won't walk under ladders because they think it's bad luck. It's not bad luck to walk under a ladder but it's a bad idea. Saying that it's bad luck to walk under a ladder is like saying it's bad luck to look down the barrel of a gun. I guess more to the point, if you're the kind of goon that will casually strut along under ladders, you're already pressing your luck, and luck can only hold out so long. Maybe my second piece of advice should be to organize your life in a way that has the least amount of bearing on luck. As an addition, don't waste your time with fortune cookies either. If you hadn't figured it out by now, I'll go ahead and tell you that real fortune doesn't come out of cookies, not unless you happen to be the Keebler Elves.<br />
<br />
The Thing About Walking Up Stairs<br />
<br />
Lots of people, when they walk up stairs take massive strides, lifting their legs up as if they were moving in time with aerobics tapes. You'll notice that most people actually have to bring their feet down quite a long ways to get to the level of the stair with each step they take. This is a real energy waster. Try bringing your leg up so that your foot skims across the edge of the stair and then put your weight down and go on to the next stair. You can save something like 50% of your energy that way.<br />
<br />
The Thing About Clothes<br />
<br />
You don't need more clothes. Right now you probably have enough clothes for 5 people. Have you noticed that no one has ever bothered to give you a rundown on exactly how many clothes you really need? That's because everyone has been brain-washed by the Macy's parade and those GAP commercials of happy people swing dancing in Khaki. I'll tell you how many clothes you need. You need:<br />
4 Pairs of shoes<br />
1 pair of sneakers<br />
1 pair of work shoes<br />
1 pair of dress shoes<br />
1 pair of casual shoes<br />
8 T-shirts (1 for every day + an extra)<br />
8 pairs of boxer briefs<br />
12 pairs of socks (half athletic / half dressy)<br />
5 sweaters<br />
4 pairs of pants<br />
4 pairs of shorts<br />
2 belts<br />
2 coats<br />
2 jackets<br />
2 hoodies<br />
4 ties<br />
5 dress shirt-shirts<br />
4 hats<br />
2 scarves<br />
2 pairs of gloves<br />
<br />
When you get a new item of clothing, it should immediately replace an old item. Everything else is excess. This list is even excessive. Remember, if you havn't worn something in nine months you will never wear it again.<br />
<br />
The Thing About Video Games<br />
<br />
The amount of time that you spend playing video games can be calculated in direct proportion to the amount of work you have done. Every six hours of work deserves one hour of gaming. So, if you work 12 hours in a day, you can play a video game for 2 hours. The big payoff comes from working for fifty hours and then getting an 8 hour splurge. If you've really been working hard, not playing any video games all week while you amassed the 8 hour grace time to game, you'll discover about 3 hours in that you feel like you're wasting your time. In which case you can alter the ratio, giving yourself one hour for every 12. The older you get you'll realize that even two hours of playing video games in a week is too much time, given the pressing need to earn a considerable enough capital to have anything like a decent retirement by the time you reach your golden years.<br />
<br />
The Thing About Junk Foods<br />
<br />
First of all, it costs way too much to eat junk food. Second, it gives you a bad complexion. If you do the math, you realize that losing money and your looks adds up to one thing: not being able to get a girlfriend. Do you really want that?Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-12849437792399948522013-07-02T10:18:00.002-04:002013-07-02T10:18:27.230-04:00New Element Found<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkpBJ0vBHyfuCFV59AWlzrWsFeN0_ZqlpIp4jAiRnhip1Xb-BXC4aC_KQbabKg5s5wBHa3cXEw6OqVcFzqEtDEbti8rr4qGyGOgpxGMTU9MxV0NOYU39fX2GKW02hp9P8NeziHGOG_zDY/s1600/laughing-matter.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img a="" added="" and="" been="" border="0" called="" discovered="" element="" elements="" hahaanium="" has="" new="" of="" periodic="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkpBJ0vBHyfuCFV59AWlzrWsFeN0_ZqlpIp4jAiRnhip1Xb-BXC4aC_KQbabKg5s5wBHa3cXEw6OqVcFzqEtDEbti8rr4qGyGOgpxGMTU9MxV0NOYU39fX2GKW02hp9P8NeziHGOG_zDY/s400/laughing-matter.JPG" table="" the="" to="" /></a></div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-91743054530439665652013-07-01T10:38:00.000-04:002013-07-01T10:38:02.844-04:00Pavlov's Dog<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOM5L7MOOPRr03VODs3l2gV_ZJn7ZnrAUZHwrhTrFWr1DtnQM93oQFMm_JFIRraA_qHaMxFD-Kxsn8pxko4fJvJxHHFMZF_xnTeCQc3fDNdDgkJvMk9nnr1P5ZToNp7nr41CyczOf8wEEW/s1600/pavlov.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="362" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOM5L7MOOPRr03VODs3l2gV_ZJn7ZnrAUZHwrhTrFWr1DtnQM93oQFMm_JFIRraA_qHaMxFD-Kxsn8pxko4fJvJxHHFMZF_xnTeCQc3fDNdDgkJvMk9nnr1P5ZToNp7nr41CyczOf8wEEW/s400/pavlov.JPG" width="400" alt="pavlov's dog was always being conditioned" /></a></div>
<br />Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-62839266164811390442013-06-28T00:39:00.000-04:002013-06-28T00:39:00.130-04:00Google Mainframe Timewarps, Returns Intact
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Technician Jerry 'Lieberwitz' Sandowski tried to add 10
trillion<br />
gigabytes of memory to the google mainframe and the machine<br />
went white hot, shimmered and briefly couldn't be seen.<br />
Anton Scaliazano, Professor of Theoretical Physics at Colonbia<br />
University postulates that the google mainframe must have<br />
timewarped. "This could be big," says Scaliazano.<br />
"The ramifications of a mainframe of this size bopping around<br />
the space-time continuum are mind-boggling. For all we know,<br />
galaxies could have just been born."<br />
Scaliazano elaborated for the next thirty minutes using words<br />
that only a theoretical physics professor could <br />
theoretically understand, gesturing wildy with his hands <br />
and extending his arms heavenward in a presumably <br />
godlike manner. The upgraded machine is working<br />
fine now, but the probability that the earth was destroyed<br />
in a parallel universe is staggering. </div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-37007264237369501932013-06-27T07:30:00.000-04:002013-06-27T07:30:03.075-04:00Get Rich Quick Scheme That Works
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"Man, I was beginning to think I'd never find a get
rich quick<br />
scheme that actually works, but this one is like greased<br />
lightning!" -Ronald Hoover Crane Operator: Bluelick, West Virginia.<br />
<br />
Now there is an easy way to riches, and you don't even have<br />
to do anything! A cloned race of aliens from outer space are<br />
paying big money to extract cellular tissue from normal<br />
people like yourself. They'll even take live tissue from<br />
your children and grandparents!<br />
"The whole process lasts 2 maybe 3 hours and then, Bam!<br />
your bank account is hit with a cool million or more." reports Arnold<br />
BoJenkins of Bluelick, West Virginia. "You actually get<br />
paid in alien currency, but the exchange rate is out of this world."<br />
Their markets are very strong right now and with our current<br />
financial crisis you will be remunerated 25,000 US per alien dollar.<br />
"The reason this has become available," explains Hoover<br />
"is because aliens are demanding too much payment for live tissue<br />
extraction, which explains the desire of alien corporations to outsource.<br />
And you'll be surprised how quick you heal from the procedure."<br />
The aliens are adept at telepathy. Simply send out<br />
the message with your mind that you will refuse the right to attorney<br />
in the event of an accident in the procedure and aliens will be<br />
extracting your flesh in minutes. </div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-11155042798664763142013-06-26T07:30:00.000-04:002013-06-26T07:30:01.019-04:00Church of the Living Dead
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What started as a huddle of bodies on the streets of <br />
Bluebank, West Virginia in the late 1970’s<br />
has slowly amassed into a movement across age, race, and even<br />
nationality. The Church of the Living Dead figures into the spiritual <br />
scene every bit as prominently as Catholicism and Mormonism, and<br />
perhaps more so because of it’s unprecedented unification of<br />
so many disparate groups. Polls show that right behind the <br />
scientology, the Church of the Living Dead is the fastest <br />
growing of all current ecumenical movements.<br />
In response to the accelerating popularity of the church, <br />
Rocky Tenant, chief apostle of the association of the living dead <br />
said, "people know when they are in a church that is really alive<br />
and they know when they're in a church that is really dead.<br />
What they cannot yet distinguish is a church that is <br />
simultaneously alive and dead."<br />
“Our church has a very important calling.” Said pastor Wayne<br />
Ashe while treating a gash on his hand he demurred as only a scratch,<br />
despite the arrangement of teeth-marks resembling a human mouth.<br />
Continuing Ashe said, “We do our best to reach out to the disheveled<br />
masses that come through every week, and sometimes there are <br />
casualties, but we truly have a passion for all the lifeless souls out there.”<br />
Certainly one of the greatest hot-button issues currently surrounding <br />
the church is the taking of the sacrament, which has often resulted in what <br />
has been described as “nothing short of a bloodbath.” <br />
Notwithstanding the controversy, Tenant said the church would <br />
Forge on into even the darkest places in America. In his words,<br />
“Our methods of bringing in the lost are nearly irresistible. First there’s<br />
a knock at your front door and then your backdoor, which is usually <br />
followed by your windows, and once they get a captive audience <br />
integration into the fold ensues quite rapidly.” <br />
Look for the Church of the Living Dead to move into your community<br />
Soon! </div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-15421960602959435602013-06-25T07:30:00.000-04:002013-06-25T07:30:01.655-04:00Andaluni the Greats Fanmail<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Dear Mr. Andaluni<br />
How do you do such great tricks?<br />
Your friend, willie<br />
<br />
Dear Willie<br />
There is no such thing as a trick. Clever men devised the idea of calling magic
a trick so they wouldn’t be cast out of society. But now, fortunately, no one
really minds if you dabble in sorcery. So I will tell my tale:<br />
On the eleventh day of the eleventh month, eleven years ago, I arose at an hour
past midnight and walked deep into the woods. There I did secretive things that
would place a blight upon your mind if I spoke candidly regarding all the
horrible trials I faced. There were five days of the trials and voices from out
of the dark that tore bitterly into my soul. But to make a long story short,
after all that I’ve had really no problem getting out of shackles and belts and
all that.<br />
-the Great Andaluni<br />
<br />
Dear mister Andaluni<br />
What is the scariest trick that you have done?<br />
Your pal, little jim<br />
<br />
Dear Little Jim<br />
I was once shot of a cannon into a tar pit, shackled, with belts prohibiting
the movement of my legs, arms, neck and torso. I couldn’t free myself of my
bonds in the tar but I found an intact carcass of a wooly mammoth and used the
shackles to cut into its belly, there I bit into his lungs and breathed ten
million year old air for a half minute, until I was able to free myself of the
shackles. From there it was touch and go, but I rapidly made my way out of the
mortal danger of the tar pit.<br />
-the Great Andaluni<br />
<br />
Dear mister andaluni<br />
Will you ever jump out of a plane at high altitudes and land on the ground
without using a parachute?<br />
Your buddy, billy<br />
<br />
Dear Billy<br />
Not unless I am shackled first.<br />
-the Great Andaluni </div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3662618493691883003.post-10619977767676132042013-06-24T07:30:00.000-04:002013-06-24T07:30:03.071-04:00Garbage Man Arrested for Destroying Material linked to Al-Qaeda<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
Late last week garbage collector
Mike Douglas from New Jersey was arrested for his connection with the Middle
Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda. Apparently, he had been dispensing of their
written communication since early 2006. It is purported that he further
destroyed video and audio messages that the terrorists used to communicate with
each other. </div>
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“It was the perfect setup,” says
Albert Griss, chief secretary of Washington’s Department of Homeland Security,
“The terrorists were placing these highly sensitive materials in regular
kitchen trash bags and this garbage man was removing it for them right under
our noses.” </div>
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Freddie Brown, the driver on
Douglas’ route was aghast to learn of his partner’s criminal involvement. “It
was so nonchalant. I would drive up there and he just threw the bags in the
truck like any other house. Sometimes he went ahead and crushed the trash to
make more space and sometimes he didn’t. It was like he wasn’t even nervous
about the thing and that goes to show how truly warped he was.”</div>
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Many of Douglas’ neighbors
mentioned that he was mostly quiet, kept to himself, but seemed like a fairly
pleasant sort. Jill Davis, head of the neighborhood watch mentioned he was
always leaving his residence suspiciously early in the morning. </div>
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Douglas couldn’t be reached for
comment as he is being held in solitary confinement somewhere offshore so that
normal laws regarding cruel and unusual punishment don’t apply. Griss said of
this move, “We let Douglas have far too much control over garbage for far too
long. Now we’re giving him a real lesson on what it means to take out the
trash!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Joseph Hurtgenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04218549168837557103noreply@blogger.com0