Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Greatest Basketball Player

Jibby Greenfield was the greatest basketball player the world has ever known. Jibby's moves were miraculous. "There was a game Jib never missed a shot. We kept passin' it to Jibby and he'd knock everything down," recalled Martin Schmitt, forward for the California Spinners. That was 1968, the year Jibby played for the Kansas City Slingers, the Idaho Men, and the California Spinners.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

How the World Could End

There are basically 2 great ways for the world to roll toward a crashing halt, only to be pulled back from the crack of doom at the eleventh hour. Every other near apocalypse is melodrama in comparison.

Number one is what I call "The Terminator Problem."

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Why Voldemort is a poor Villain.

You Know Funny: Why Voldemort is a poor Villain
Voldemort isn't really a great villain. He's actually not even a decent villain. There's basically 6 main reasons why Voldemort isn't so hot as a villain.

Voldemort is usually always in his dining room or chateau

This places Voldemort squarely in the woman's role. Where's Voldemort's wife during all this time? Probably out making multimillion dollar business deals in the real world while he plays fantasy witch-hunt saying "Potter this" and "Potter that."

In fact, it has to be the case that Voldemort's wife is bringing home all the bacon. How else could Voldemort range around with his oddball cronies all the time and still have the means to live in such nice digs?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Did Shakespeare Write His Plays

For years, scholars have questioned the authorship of so called 'Shakespearean' plays. It is commonly agreed that no one is smart enough or talented enough to write so many great plays. Scholars understand the limits of human intelligence and ability. They know that the answer to the great questions of great human art, technology, architecture, and philosophy lie not in the human realm but are all a result of a higher intelligence: Sperm Whales.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Pistol Jones Runs to Freedom

Now long before the greys sounded the silver bugle and sent them turrible boomin' volleys of cannon flyin, Pistol Jones was pickin' that cotton. Yessuh he was. But Pistol Jones he sees that ole whipman turnin' his back to look upon the pretty black girls and Jones he crouch right down in those thorns. He turned to me and this is what Pistol Jones say:

Pistol Jones

And what was the very next thing I saw? It was Pistol Jones, and he was shooting them boys. One by one he was. I watched him shoot down 500 of those boys. And when he was through he turned to me and he said, "Oh Lawd, If'n my name idn't Pistol Jones my hands, they're burning!"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things That Can Go Wrong

LOST was a great show. I say was to refer to most of the first three seasons and then to a trickle of episodes through the final meandering three seasons. What happened, we all want to to know. How did a show with such great promise meltdown with the toxic horror of Chernobyl? I locked myself in my room for a week to ponder the question, and defying the protests of my English Professors who tell me I am irrationally quick to making vast and undefendable generalizations, I think I have unlocked the secrets to understanding:

The 8 Ways That Good Things Go Impossibly Wrong as Exemplified in the Popular Television Series LOST