Sunday, May 1, 2011

Things That Can Go Wrong


LOST was a great show. I say was to refer to most of the first three seasons and then to a trickle of episodes through the final meandering three seasons. What happened, we all want to to know. How did a show with such great promise meltdown with the toxic horror of Chernobyl? I locked myself in my room for a week to ponder the question, and defying the protests of my English Professors who tell me I am irrationally quick to making vast and undefendable generalizations, I think I have unlocked the secrets to understanding:

The 8 Ways That Good Things Go Impossibly Wrong as Exemplified in the Popular Television Series LOST


There are Eight ways that good things can go impossibly wrong and LOST exemplifies all 8.

1. Nuclear Bombs. In the fifth season of LOST, a nuclear bomb was unearthed on the island.
2. The explosion of a Nuclear Bomb. At the end of the fifth season of LOST, the unearthed nuclear bomb explodes. Just ask anyone who has lived through a nuclear bomb explosion how wrong things go when a nuclear bomb explodes. What you say? You can't find anyone that lived through such an explosion. No! Of course you can't, proving my point beyond expression.
3. Time Travel. Time Travelling is bad. It's always bad. If you discover the secret to time travel, i'm warning you right now that you shouldn't use it. Not even to go back in time to witness the grandeur of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex. Actually. Especially not to witness the grandeur of the great Tyrannosaurus Rex. The great Tyrannosaurus Rex will gobble you up as if you were a funnel cake on the fourth of july and millions of years later your bones will boggle paleontologists and we'll never set the question of evolution straight. But to think about LOST, season 5 was fraught with time travelling. Nothing good came of it, nothing ever does.
4. Too many unexplained bad guys. Lets face it, LOST had hosts of unexplained bad guys. Who was the eye patch guy that blew up a grenade underwater to kill Charlie? Who were the other others? Heck, who were the others? Too many unexplained bad guys is always a problem. You can bet that when the Mongolians appeared at the eastern reaches of Europe in 1200 AD, it wasn't a pretty sight. Cortez at Tenochtitlan? Neil Armstrong on the moon? All ruinously bad.
5. A confusion of who the good guys are. Who was the good guy in LOST? Was it Jack? Kate? Desmond? Hurley? The man in black? Charlie? Widmore? Sawyer? Locke? Ben? Jacob? We don't really know who the good guys were. The same is true of American politics and it is true of sports athletes. Just when you think your favorite political or athletic hero is gold, he shows his fangs and does some abominable thing. In LOST, all of the good guys were actually very troubled antiheroes.
6. A confusion of who the bad guys are. Who was the bad guy in LOST? Who is the bad guy in world politics? Who are the bad athletes. If someone could settle this once and for all we could launch attacks and hold protests! We should hold a protest against the fact that protests are often misguided and misleading.
7. Unexplainable Electromagnetic Events. Nothing can rain on a parade like an unexplainable electromagnetic event. When my car got towed a month ago and I had to lay down $100 dollars to get it back, It was clear to me from the beginning what caused whole fiasco: unexplainable electromagnetic event. Just to be clear, it was cool that there was an electromagnetic event in LOST. We all liked watching the plane explode even though it's not entirely clear how magnets could crush a plane. I've seen magnets destroy a television set. All you have to do is rub them over the screen, but if magnets really can mess up planes, don't tell the Iraqis. Magnets: paper against rock when it comes to aeroplanes.
8. Love triangles. Good things get messed up by love triangles, and as far as love triangles go, LOST was nothing more than a daytime soap with exploding aeroplanes. It's too bad that magnets don't also put an end to crazy love triangles. For that matter, it's too bad that magnets don't do a lot more. If I could put in a bid for the effect that magnets have on things, I would make a motion that they:
1. give writers better ideas for television shows.
2. destroy airplanes and also put them back together.
3. explain who the bad guys are.
4. explain who the good guys are, and occasionally reveal that a good guy is actually a bad guy in disguise.
5. protect the wearer or holder of a magnet from the effects of time travel (meaning that the wearer would neither be affected by time travelling mechanisms or the results of time travel undertaken by others)
6. nullify the effects of nuclear blasts (and also all nuclear radiation, including the radiation from power plants and the sun)

So, to sum everything up here, let me say that it's really too bad that magnets don't have stronger properties. We could all wear necklaces and boots made of magnets. In this way all of our fears would come to an end, LOST would be a much tighter and comprehensible show, and we would look fashionable and futuristic in our pretty magnet clothes.

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