Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Santa's Reindeer Donner Found Dead

Early Wednesday morning in Holland, seven year old Hans Dortzunger heard something hit the roof. "We ran outside and watched as the reindeer slid off the roof. Hans and I ran up to him and around his neck was a golden collar with the name Donner. Hans is still shocked," said Mrs. Dortzunger. Donner's sled straps were cut very cleanly, which forensics expert Richard Yawbrough says is irrefutable proof that when one of his reindeer gives out, Santa pulls out a knife and cuts the dead weight off the sleigh. Yarbrough added that "a mature reindeer will weigh up to 650 pounds. That's a lot of extra weight to carry. To make sure he doesn't put too much strain on the rest of the sled team, sometimes Santa has to make the hard call."

The Donner story is part of a long tradition. While magical reindeer from the north pole have an incredible lifespan, every once in a while they do bite it. The last reported dead magical reindeer finding was in 1918. It was a mass slaughter.
On the 24th, Santa was flying over the western front and flew into a cloud of the Huns' mustard gas. He banked a hard right but in the process lost four of his crew: Zonner, Lancer, Dickson, and Masher.

Being a part of Santa's sleigh team is inherited along reindeer family lines. While little known, the old christmas song "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" does have to change from time to time. In 1895, for example, its song lyrics read,

"You Know Masher and Answer
Lancer and Dickson
Grommit and Vrupid and
Zonner and Yitzen
But do you recall
the most famous reindeer of all?
Bludolph the Red nosed reindeer"

In a press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus apologized to the Dortzunger family and to pacify fears about the future of his sled team, said that Donner's son Konner has been groomed for the position and looks to be a strong replacement.

Written by: Joseph Hurtgen, Peter Hurtgen, & Joseph Hollenbach

1 comment:

  1. donner was dead weight to begin with, second only to comet. they're all disposable to me!


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