Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Dear Joseph: Advice for better living

Dear Joseph,
My husband likes to walk around without pants, but demands that I wear pants all the time. I work full-time and he stays at home playing video games. I want him to wear pants, but he insists that I wear the pants in the family. What should I do?

-The Very Best Betsy

Dear Betsy,
There's really one question you need to ask yourself. Do you like wearing pants? If the answer is yes, then you've wasted your time writing me a letter. If the answer is no, it's time to hire a team of ex-military agents to kidnap your husband, take him to a tropical jungle, and put him through a series of life-threatening adventures similar to the video games he loves. Make the object of his jungle adventure to find scraps of materials with which he can make a pair of camouflage pants to protect against political insurgents mucking about in the jungle, sniping at signs of life. After a couple of weeks, if he hasn't been eaten by tigers, have the ex-military agents recapture him and imprison him in a hut, water-boarding him while using hypnotism and suggestion techniques to instill a desire to wear pants in both a literal and figurative sense. Have one of the agents remove one of his molars and leave a mark on his chest with a branding iron. He'll be a changed man when he gets home!

Dear Joseph,
I don't know how to tie things together very well. I've tried to learn many different knots but they are useless to me. I've heard that astroknots are quite useful. Can you please help me learn how to tie an astroknot?

-Brandon Burg

Dear Brandon Burg,
Your best bet at tying an astroknot is to jettison extra weight in your shuttle and boost to maximum throttle.

Dear Joseph,
I think my two sons are selling as well as smoking drugs and running a pornography website. There are floozy looking women coming and going all the time around here and a constant stream of cars pulling up to the backdoor, honking their horns while they wait for one of my boys to go out and hand over bags in exchange for lots of money. I want to discipline them, but they just bought a new house for us to live in and I was able to quit my factory job and can now receive doctor's care for my aching bones form all those years bending over putting sprockets together. What should I do?

-Wanting to contact higher authority

Dear Contact high,
There's an old phrase about learning how to choose your battles. In a situation like you've described, you have to ask yourself what you can live with. Are the floozy women putting you over the edge? Is it just that there's too many floozy women? Maybe you don't want your boys to smoke any drugs? Maybe you are looking out for the floozy women, and are afraid that your boys will have a bad influence on them and cause them to smoke drugs? Maybe you don't like the implications of the boys selling drugs illegally? Maybe it would be better if they became pharmacists in wholesome drugstores that sell more tasteful men's magazines? All the same, it sounds to me that your sons are true Americans, pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, making a living by the sweat of their brow. They may not be doing honest work, but it's honestly work!