Sunday, May 15, 2011

Did Shakespeare Write His Plays

For years, scholars have questioned the authorship of so called 'Shakespearean' plays. It is commonly agreed that no one is smart enough or talented enough to write so many great plays. Scholars understand the limits of human intelligence and ability. They know that the answer to the great questions of great human art, technology, architecture, and philosophy lie not in the human realm but are all a result of a higher intelligence: Sperm Whales.
Using sonic distributor algorithms, scientists have decoded sperm whale songs from ancient past. Really old shells recorded the songs of whales going back 1000, 2000, and even 4000 years. Dr. Richard Alcott found a trove of shells in the Thames, within a couple miles of the Globe Theater, and has confirmed the imprint of twelve Shakespearean plays. "Lots of the weaker parts of the plays are actually reconciled in the whale recordings," says Alcott. "It just goes to show that what we need to uncover are the voices that have gone unnoticed for far too long in the study of literature." Alcott says this proves once and for all that Shakespeare was nothing more than a common thief, and that it is sperm whales that were robbed of their art. A committee of North American sperm whales are currently filing lawsuits against various authors who, it is being shown, stole entire novels from whale songs. One of the greater whale writers, Willy the Whale, just won a lawsuit against Maya Angelou, which will effectively change the title of her stolen text, "I know why the caged bird sings" to its original title, "I know why the caged whale sings." "This is a great day for whales," said Willy, "finally we will get the credit we deserve." When asked who penned the great American Classic, "Moby Dick" the whales erupted in laughter and could not be pacified into giving an answer before diving back into the depths.


  1. I KNEW IT!

    let me tell you, i've hired a few sperm whales to help me out with writer's block and they keep telling me that charles dickens was a HACK

  2. yes! that is absolutely true! sperm whales.


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