Monday, March 21, 2011

How to Blog

There has always been the elusive American dream infecting the sanity of our teeming masses: gold in the hills, thunder on the mountain, jack in the box. Now, in the sci-fi laden 21st century it's dreams of internet stardom that cause blogs to flower like brush and weed across the unending Texan rangelands.
So the question remains:
"What are 7 things that can be done to ensure that
my blog stays forever locked in internet obscurity?"

1) Try to alienate anyone that reeks of being a part of that pesky class 'loyal follower'. You'll be able to spot them a mile away. First they'll follow your blog, and then they'll start mucking up your pristine walls with comments. To get rid of them quickly, a good tactic is to disagree with
everything they say. Even if that entails contradicting yourself, do it!
You don't want to run any risk of gaining devoted fans.
I won't go into detail about how they can ruin your perfectly
defended niche in your cul de sac of the internet.

2) Never, under any circumstances, tell anyone about your blog. Whether on the street or on the web, you absolutely do not want to run the risk of sparking interest in your work. During a plane ride to Newark I once had the misfortune of sitting next to an aspiring poet. He saw that I was writing in a notebook and felt it necessary to rehearse his poem “Gimme’ that old black coat” and then asked if I had any writings to share, to which I gave him a firm and premeditated, “No”. You would be wise to do the same.

3) Never post more often than once every 3-4 months. If, like mosquitoes finding blood, the ever vigilant public still tries to follow your blog, they’ll soon move along to better pastures before you whet their insatiable appetite for biting wit and immeasurable sarcasm. The danger here is that your silence is misinterpreted and you become viewed as a genius, akin to the likes of Thomas Pynchon and J.D. Salinger. Not much to worry about though, something tells me you’re not sitting on your own ‘Gravity’s Rainbow’.

4) Try to write about things of which you do not find interesting, nor could you conceive any creature in the far flung world be able to consider of even passing interest. Example: make your blog a geologists nightmare. Take pictures of people’s gravel driveways and write about picking rocks out of the space between the treads in your tires.

5) Make your blog impossible to navigate. As a golden rule, make sure that there is no way to get directly to your blog. There needs to be a more or less blank page pre-empting your own, complete with triangular sign of man digging and a five second delay before viewers are sent to the real site. The real site being a vertigo inducing inferno of a website. You want ads galore of the most raucous and vile nature. You want 13 pop-ups to barrage the screen. And you want your own content hidden with the assiduity of Waldo.

6) Never make good on any promises you extend to your readers. You want to leave them confused and bewildered. Trust me, this one tactic alone is powerful enough to keep would be devotees at bay and assure you blissful internet obscurity for the rest of your blogging days.



    ALL OF IT.



  2. I hate your blog!

    PS: I'm so sorry. Haven't seen your comment until now. Otherwise I would have answered earlier...

    You blog is great, by the way. Love this 'don't tell anyone, keep it to yourself' thing. But the oddest things happen...


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