Saturday, March 19, 2011

How to Rob a Bank

So you've tried your hand at petty theft and you think you're ready for the bigtime? Think again. Before stepping onto the big stage of bank heists, you better read through our guide.

The breakdown:
If you can crack into the inside of the bank, there’s a great deal of payola. But if you get a bad case of the willies as you approach, turn back! You can’t take on one of these unless you are confident and well prepared.

Tools: Assault Rifle, 2 handguns, body armor, empty backpack, lots of explosives rigged to a remote triggering device, mask, facepaint, form fitting gloves, two inconspicuous cars, running shoes, fire resistant clothing, riot shield with opening for assault rifle to fit through.

Overview: The general idea is to cause a lot of confusion first, and pandemonium later if necessary. In the old West, when Junior trackers came across banks, there wasn’t as much planning necessary, but neither was the payoff quite as high. Now, a good tracker can pull a six figure take with relative ease!

1. Enter the bank a week before and wander around for a while. Don’t talk to anyone
and certainly don’t open up a bank account there. Your money isn’t safe in this bank,
at least, not if you’re a Junior Tracker worth his salt.
2. Rig explosives in such a way that a hole can be blown in two different walls of the
bank for egress given an aggressive assault staged by the local policing outfit.
3. Rig a lot of explosives in concentric circles around the bank. Since it is standard police procedure to encircle a bank in order to apprehend those that attempt to profit freely from the bank, when they set up their siege, you can efficiently decommission many of them and put the others into disarray with a tremendous explosive blast. This will ensure no one is able to track you! Remember, the golden rule of being a Junior Tracker is to never become the tracked!
4. Put on that body armor and fire resistant clothing, make sure you’ve got plenty of ammo for your rifle and attach the bullet proof riot shield to the front. Get that mask on and don’t forget your backpack and extra handguns!
5. Place one getaway car very close to the bank as early as possible. Leave it unlocked!
It’s wise to have a couple extra keys made. If you over-prepare you won’t be
6. Drive in a second car and don’t park directly in front of the main bank entrance, but do park close! (both of these cars shouldn’t be connected with you in any way, see the entry on automobile acquisition if necessary)
7. Storm the Fort! Take no prisoners! Don’t sweat the small change! Yes, banks do have lots of great looking coins, but you’ll have to forget your interest in coin collection for now, just go for the stacks of 100 dollar bills.
8. Head for the doors. There should be plenty of cop cars surrounding the outside now. So trigger the explosives, taking care to shield yourself from the blast.
9. Once blasted, exit through one of the freshly created holes and don’t hesitate to let anyone have it that seems hostile to your cause. Get in the car, ride a few blocks and then ditch it all except the backpack and the handguns. Now you can check into a nearby hotel and wait till the storm blows over.

As an added precaution be sure to give the following entries some attention: police, urban warfare, combat suppression, explosives.

If you follow these guidelines precisely. There shouldn’t be a bank in the green earth that gives you the slightest spot of trouble. Now get out there and put your new found bank heisting knowledge to use.

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