Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Movie Review-Hanna (crap alert)

Last night I got Hanna'd. If you havn't seen the movie Hanna. Then count your lucky stars, but it is kind of important in a stupid way. That way being after having seen it, you can say that you've been Hanna'd after watching something that is of arguably superior quality, in poor taste, missing crucial elements which would have helped it make sense, which finishes abruptly.
The movie begins and ends with Hanna shooting things dead at close range, at which point a weird Red Screen pops up that says HANNA in scrawled letters. Probably, this was the worst and best way this movie could have ended. If only because once the HANNA screen pops up, you realize how well you have just been HANNA'd.

-questionable extreme close-up scene between two 13 year old girls. midway through you get the idea, and then the kiss happens which sort of eludes making sense.
-the 24 hour swim undertaken by Hanna's father. At least, I think that was her father, and i'm pretty sure it was 24 hours. The plot sort of implodes on itself at the end and things get a little uncertain.
-The matrix subway fight between the father and 5 or so random and unexplained, but particularly weak agents.
-the perversion of childhood places/themes of joy. ex: house of fun where the jolly clown is hung upside down with arrows protruding from chest, the merry-go-round where lots of people get shot and killed, the fun slide where the final bad guy (who is the usually great, but in this movie pathetic Kate Blanchett) gets Hanna'd.
-honestly I cut the previous list of perverted childhood images short . it goes on and on, and is in bad taste from the first moment you begin noticing what the director is putting you through.
-Kate Blanchett's southern accent. I'm from the South. I'm pretty sure I've never heard that accent. She was like a German from Texas. If that's possible.
-The gay special agent. He wore a yellow jumpsuit and said the most confusing things. I sort of think he might have made a more compelling hero.
-the elk death. beginning of movie. "I just missed your heart" says Hanna, while the elk looks up in positive boredom.
-the elk ghost. ending of movie after "just missing" kate blanchett's heart, and assuredly swinging far off the mark of my own, the elk ghost appears and looks just as bored as he did earlier in the movie. The elk ghost functions as a kind of stupid homage to Star Wars. You know, the hero sees the ghost, and that enables them to complete their task. Since the task was the ending of the movie, I can say that I was relieved to see the elk ghost myself.
-Red Background with HANNA scrawled in white. I feel like this piece of art was created by subjecting a graphic designer to 10 straight screenings of the movie. you can really feel the despair coming through the scrawled lettering.

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