Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ralph the Cat's Fanmail

Dear Ralph

I’m a severe hypochondriac. I mean I really can’t sleep.
I’ve tried it all dude. But. Watching your old episodes is
the cure for me. I put one in and bam! I’m asleep.

So, I’m just wondering though, how can I get more of em’?
I’ve looked and looked and no one seems to carry these things.

much obliged
Bobby Dupuy

TO: Bobby Dupuy

Aww yeah, I’m really glad you like the show.
As far as getting the old episodes, you’ll have to take that up
with somebody else. It’s actually pretty crazy.

What happened was, at first, the show was
some kinda overnight success. There were tickle-me-ralph
dolls and pullstring-ralphs. I liked the pullstring-ralphs.
You pulled the string and It’d either say, “That’s crazy”
or “Aww man” or something crazy like that.
There was a mad demand. All these crazy people were
clawing each other in the toy stores for the dolls,
and you’d see the tickle-me-ralphs selling for as much as
$400 in on-line auctions. But after one season,
the demand was so high, the producers of the show
thought we should do a movie, and run a new show
six days a week. It was way too much,
because I had been pretty much writing all the scripts myself.
Haha, yeah, sometimes other people would add ideas,
but i’m kinda crazy when it comes down to that kinda thing.
So, I turned into a hypochondriac too. I had to drink
lots of coffee to pull those all nighters. I remember
not sleeping for five days and then crashing with
the wrath of Khan, whatever that is, haha. So, anyway,
the producers weren’t like crazy devils or something.
They got really worried, because, as you can imagine,
I started writing some real bizarre stuff. I guess after the crash
was really when lots of questions started getting raised.
And I kept telling them that I probably needed some
kinda crazy trip away somewhere. Well, long story short,
they brought on a team of writers to help me out,
but at that point, I was kinda shell shocked and couldn’t
really write anything to save my life, and the writing team
turned the show into an action adventure. It was a way to
cut down on having to say much of anything with all
the fighting. At first the mega ralphbot toy and the
mecharalph took off, but none of it really made much sense.
Thing is, we must have shot two dozen episodes that
never got aired. They pulled the plug on the show and
canned the crazy things. By some loophole, they didn’t even
have to buy out old Ralph’s contract. I had to attend a few
hearings and there was something about mental breakdowns
in there, but its all pretty hazy in my head. They did fix me up
with a different job at a call center after that, and it all seemed
like a big dream for a long time. I don’t really have any clue
how long, but lets just say I’m probably down a couple of my
nine lives. Haha, yeah, so anyway, if you somehow run
across those old episodes of the show, don’t blame me
if it doesn’t make any sense.

Your friend,
Ralph the Cat

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