Tuesday, January 18, 2011

More Fanmail

Dear Ralph

I try so hard. But I can’t put the needle down. Can you send me some money?


Your buddy, Frances

TO: Frances

Aww, man. Your letter wasn’t very good. I mean, this is supposed to be for kids.
But to tell you the truth I’m pretty down and out. I mean, I guess it’s not hard
to see it, but I don’t get many letters from anyone these days. Ever since they
cancelled the show I havn’t really gotten any fanmail. I know it’s crazy but I
really liked answering all those letters from the kids.
It made me feel like I was helping people.
So after several months a letter comes in and I’m like, oh man!

This is crazy, and then its your crazy letter asking for money so you can get
drugs. What do you think this is anyway? Plus, I just took a pay cut so I could
keep my job answering phones. I know it’s hard though. I had a friend who
said a buddy of his tied him to his bed for a week to get through the shakes
and the whole time he begged the guy to let him go, but the friend had kicked
his habit the same way and no matter what my buddy said he wouldn’t let him
up. Those guys were both pretty crazy now that I think about it.
Maybe you should have someone lock you in a room while you sweat it all out.
Well, thanks for writing in I guess, and I’m sending you some money to rent out
a cheap room at a hotel. Go to the place and have the staff lock you in for
four or five days.

Your friend,
Ralph the Cat


Dear Ralph

Upon reviewing the pay cut at the phone center, we have determined
that the cut is not great enough to warrant your continued employment
at our offices at this time.
Consider this your termination.

Your former employer,
Call Zone

TO: Call Zone

Aww man. This is bad. Real bad. I mean I just sent some guy $120
through the mail to help him kick his drug habit and that was gonna
be a tight squeeze until the next check but now this is a major hit.
Okay, look, this is nuts but I’ll work for $4.37 an hour.
I added everything up in my head and I can buy all the beans, rice,
and water I need and still make rent if you let me work at least
30 hours a week. That’s less than half of what I used to get.
Aww man, this is so crazy.

Please hire me back,
Ralph the Cat



Dear Ralph

$4.36

-Call Zone

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