Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ralph the Cat's Fanmail

Dear Ralph

I like it how you are so brave. Where do you get your courage from?

-Your buddy
Little Jim

TO: Little Jim

Aw man, I don’t think I’ve got a lot of courage, I mean I’m
just a cat doing all kinds of things and I don’t really think
about any of it, i’m just right there doing
stuff and then afterwards people are always
saying it must take a lot of courage
but I think anybody else would pretty much do the
same stuff if they were me or somebody like me.

But i’m glad you like it. I’m glad you wrote me and everything,
but I bet you’ve got courage, probably more courage than I have.
I mean, you might think this sounds crazy, but I don’t really
have any courage, I mean, not the kind of courage you might expect,
you know the courage to wake up and go to work everyday, especially
when you’ve got a crummy job answering phones
somewhere for a couple dollars an hour.
I tell you what little Jim, the next time you see something big,
just walk right up to it and announce yourself and you’ll have
all the courage old Ralph ever had, yeah, haha.

-Ralph the Cat

Dear Ralph

Sometimes I get really sad. What do you do when you are sad?

-Your friend
Michael Setters

TO: Michael Setters

Aww, yeah, I know exactly what you’re talking about.
I’ve been real sad I guess, and
lonely and hungry. I remember one February I didn’t eat
for ten days and I kept on
having to sleep out in the open and one morning
somebody threw me into a trash can
because my hair was all frozen and I wasn’t moving
and my breath was real shallow and you could see my ribs.
I was having some kinda crazy dream though. I was a
siberian tiger but I was working in Chicago and my boss
made me answer the phones because everyone always went
crazy when they had to talk to a tiger. I guess that’s
one thing that keeps me from being sad. Thinking about being
a siberian tiger. If I were a siberian tiger I wouldn’t work for a
phone answering service anymore. I’d do
something real crazy somewhere. Yeah. Maybe you should do something
like that. Write to me and tell me if pretending you’re a tiger somewhere
else works out for you. If it does i’m gonna get rich writing a book about
overcoming sadness, haha, yeah.
Just pretend you’re a tiger like me, Ralph the Cat.

-Ralph the Cat

Dear Ralph

Your rent is overdue. Consider this your notice of eviction.


TO: Landlord

Aww man, do you really want to evict your friend
Ralph the Cat? I mean, I guess I can understand if you have to
evict me but if you’d just wait i’ll have rent
in a couple days or a week or something like that.
I answer phones for a living and I don’t get paid a lot.
I mean I can understand if you can’t bend the rules or something,
I can understand that you’re another one of those crazy
people that will try to throw a cat that’s still got a couple of his
nine lives in the trash just because he’s down on
his luck. That’s fine, I get it. I’ll take this as a sign that
it’s time to go do something else
and I won’t think about you or the land you lord ever again.
Haha, yeah, I never liked living in your crummy apartment,
so consider this your notice that Ralph has left the building.

-Ralph the Cat

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