Sunday, April 7, 2013

How to Discover Who You Are

This is not a simple process, and neither is it fitting for the faint of heart. If you are a wimp, stoolie, curmudgeon, bully, moron, or punk I implore you to stop reading now. What follows is an extremely arcane and enlightened guide to figuring yourself out. It goes beyond information and reaches into uncharted areas like the feeling of well-being you get from being out during a sunrise. If you can't handle it, go read the daily celeb gossip somewhere. So, without further ado, here is how to:

Find out who you are in just 17 Steps.
1. Ransack all your board games, and when possible, the boardgames of your friends. You're looking to collect a lot of dice. Good advice here is to avoid games that probably don't have dice, or only contain a single die. The payload are in games like yahtzee where you can really collect. Even better is finding people who play dungeons and dragons. They usually have plastic bags filled with colorful and rare dice.
2. Roll the dice. This is more complicated than you might think. You will need a big space so that every die gets a fair roll. I suggest a level wooden floor. It is important that you roll all the dice at once. Rolling them one at a time has a weird influence on karma that you will be wise to avoid.
3. Use the following formula on the dice rolls. 6n to the 8th power minus the limit of xy-x to the third / 1.
4. Remove the slope and calculate the n variable for the velocity change of wind gusts.
5. Now don't get too excited on the results just yet. Remember the Gunter Effect. At this point you should drape yourself in a bearskin and prowl through the woods. I suggest covering your face with a mixture of mud, honey, and jackal excrement.
6. Keep those numbers at the forefront of your thoughts. They will be important later.
7. Bury the dice at the four corners of the woods.
8. Find the exact center of the woods and climb a tree there. Make sure the tree is tall enough to break through the canopy.
9. Looking over the forest's sea of leafy green boughs, call out, "I am -insert your name here-." Keep doing this until it really resonates with you that it might be true.
10. Find an animal family in the woods and present yourself to them. Befriend them, learn from them, forget the ways of man entirely. When your mind presents words to you, refuse them, instead accept only the feel of the wind against your skin and the heart-filled call of the wild!
11. Give in to the maddening call within your breast. Leap like a gazelle! Tear raw meat from the bone and sink your teeth in deep!
12. Pounce like a tiger!
13. Cry out like a hawk!
14. Caraghhhhhhh!
15. Wait until the day that you witness the course of the sun, from its rising to its sinking, without a conflicted feeling.
16. Return to human civilization.
17. Now get yourself cleaned up and get back to your usual schedule. Assuredly, your inner life will be much different. Now you will be full of confidence and inner well being! The last thing to do is to help others. Share with them what you have learned, and when applicable, advise them to take the same course.

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