Friday, April 12, 2013

How to Influence People

Trying to become influential and well liked has become passe in the present day. People and nations used to strive to maintain friendships and alliances, but now there's a new game afoot: influencing people in a way that makes them hate you. Today, our greatest heroes are people like Kim Jong Un who thrives on being hated and feared. So the big question is, how can you become a figure that is despised even half as much as a North Korean dictator? Well, you've come to the right place to find out!
1. Come to power as the dictator of a sovereign nation state. As leader, wear military outfits most of the time. Sew a patch of stars onto the arm of your jacket. Make sure to starch everything! You will be taken much more seriously if you look like a military figure. Just ask Michael Jackson.
2. Acquire ICBMs.
3. Film and upload videos of yourself declaring that you have had it with the satanic West, the unorthodox middle east, the corruption of Africa, the tiresome history of the East, the severe freezing temperatures of Antarctica, and the kangaroos of Australia.
3. Subjugate millions of people to a very strict containment of information. Scour the newspapers and television. Patrol the streets and the internet. Don't let anyone know anything at all!
4. Declare that you've had it. There's nothing more that you can possibly tolerate before you hit the big red launch button and eternally close the file on the human race.
5. Don't press that button! Remember that people can't hate you if their dead. No! They must be kept alive so their hate festers!
6. Let some days pass.
7. Get back on the internet and declare that this times for real! You've got your finger on the button now!
8. Don't really have your finger on the button. After all, you can't really press the button. Not now. Not before you inspire the hatred of every last soul living on God's green earth.
9. Announce that you're grooming a protege to take over when you are gone. Let the protege be a famous child star but dress him up in military uniforms. Record the famous child star speaking against the satanic west and have him declare that when he comes to power that nothing will stop him from launching ICBM's to the four corners of the earth.
10. Announce that the child star has gained power over the launching sequence and could, at any given moment, fire a hellish payload against all the known sovereign states of the world.
11. Record a mock sequence of yourself getting into a space shuttle along with your ministers of defense and your jaw-dropping entourage of mistresses. Declare that you are leaving in order to colonize a nearby cinderella planet because it is a mathematical certainty that the child star will be initiating the total destruction of the planet in the upcoming days.
If you follow this guide, you will be sure to inspire the complete and total hatred of your being for all time.

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