Tuesday, April 9, 2013

How to Gain Weight

Everywhere you turn these days people are throwing diet plans around. Here a diet plan, there a diet plan! It is plain to see that there are far too many diet plans. So many in fact that it makes many people lose their motivation to go on a diet at all! In my opinion, you shouldn't go on a diet at all. Go the other direction! Here are 10 steps toward putting on the pounds and really weighing in on the good life.

Cut Water Out 

Drink less water. Try not to drink much water in any given 24 hour cycle. Loading up on sugary drinks bleeding with caffeine is one of the easiest ways to pack the pounds quickly. Keep a 32 ounce plastic cup on hand to get lots of refills from 24 hour gas stations.

Cut Exercise Right Out

Stay away from that dreaded E word exercise. Think of exercise as your enemy and strategize against coming into contact with it. It's been said that you have to learn to crawl before you can walk, and in this case, I advocate that you do neither. Invest in a golf cart or motor scooter so that you can motorize yourself around town and at home, move everything into the kitchen so that you can limit the amount of movement you will have to make in a day.

Replace Fruit & Veggies for Steak & Shake

Reduce your daily veggie and fruit intake. While your at it, strike nuts and seeds out as well. Now, if your pressed to it, and all there is to eat is salad, be sure to eat for at least fifteen minutes after you start feeling a little sick from having too much food.

Fast Food is your Friend

Try to hit up a fast food restaurant about once an hour. Keep a pound of salt on hand to really bring out the flavor on those meat patties and fries you'll be scarfing down. Don't settle for the dollar menu when you're putting in your order either. Go for the big calorie items and be sure to never throw away any of your food.

Did someone say "Ice-cream?"

Keep some Ice Cream on hand in the freezer. Keep an array of different types of cones so that you don't get bored of scarfing down ice-cream in a plain old bowl. Keep plenty of ice-cream flavors on hand as well. In fact, you may think about getting a job at an ice-cream parlor or maybe as the driver of an ice-cream truck. When the manager turns his back, you'll be dropping scoop after delicious scoop into your grizzled maw of a mouth.

It's all in the Community

Make friends with overweight people. Watch their eating patterns and be sure to take notes! Talk to your overweight compatriots about different strategies for packing on the pounds. Where are the hotspots for cheap food deals during the week? What foods are especially addictive and fattening? Your new friends will be sure to know.

Don't be a Clothes-horse, be a Clothes-Hippopotamus

Go ahead and buy clothes that are several sizes to big for you. Keep the clothes visible and remind yourself everyday that your goal is too fill them out! Visualize yourself getting big enough to stand inside a bigger man's pair of pants.

Late Night Snacks

Set some alarms for the middle of the night so you can march to the kitchen for some late night scarfing. Food you eat before you sleep stays on easier so you won't want to skip this step. I recommend covering whatever you eat during your late night snacks with a healthy coating of maple syrup!

Food Challenges / Food Pilgrimages

Take food challenges. Find out if any local restaurants give prizes for eating gobs of their food and then go for it! You should outline a 2 week food-eating tour through the south in the summer. Make sure to go through Louisville to eat King Fish's unreasonably huge 'Barge'. Make a stop in Memphis and try to eat a dozen Memphis style burgers.

Tracking your Progress

Track your progress. Buy a oversize binder and stock it with so much paper that it burgeons out from the sides. Take daily pictures and weigh yourself. On those days that it doesn't feel like you can add any more weight, seeing the progress you've made can give you that extra needed boost!

Parting Words

There you have it! If you use this method, please post some before and after pictures here for all to see!

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