Thursday, March 28, 2013

Yahoo Chess: The God Awful, the Bad, and the Ugly

Yahoo: A rude, noisy, or defiant person. So that basically sums up the whole experience at Yahoo Chess. You enter innocently, thinking that you'll find some great camaraderie among other chess aficionados, only to find a society of crazy people bent on proving how tough they are.
Upon entry its hard not to notice that the chat area for the lounge is filled with all caps writing about how so and so is a real idiot or a psychopath or a tremendous chess retard. You can sort of picture a legion of angry German kids (ala the famous youtube vid) playing this game, sweat poring over their faces as they glare angrily at the board, wishing they could rip apart their opponents limb by limb. I'm realizing now that people are more or less bad natured. I used to think that because I had the same interests as others, that they would be friendly and agreeable, wanting to discuss those things that they hold in common. This is not the case. In the last little bit I finally realized that having common interests is merely a quick inroad into finding conflict points between people. I'm pretty sure people go to the Yahoo Chess website in order to give vent to their worser angels. It's a totally anonymous way to sock it to the other guy. First, people try to sock it to the other guy by beating them at chess. If this works you can gg them (short for good game and a way to have someone kneel and admit defeat) or if victory is elusive the next tactic is to send a steady stream of hate comments to the other guy. I think I'll start my own chess club. I'll even call it Chess Club. Here's how it will work. Everyone will mingle in a parlor full of chess tables and talk to people to find games to play. At each table there will be a chess board with all the pieces and two clubs in the shape of chess pieces and a display to measure the growing ire of each player (the clubs will be made of nerf foam to assure that no one is killed). As a player gets more and more irate, they can raise the level of their anger by pressing a "+ Anger" button on a console affixed to the table. Their opponent will see they are getting angrier and adjust their playing style accordingly. Or, in other words, go ahead and grab their chess club in expectation of an attack. Once players reach an anger level of 13 you can expect an attack! Because really, among men, all games come down to one inner desire: a chance to attack one another like insane gorillas.

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