Tuesday, March 26, 2013

How to Make a Band

You know what the hardest thing to do with a guitar is? Make money while playing one! For every successful rock band, there are probably a thousand bands that started up and fizzled before they even selected a decent name.
For every successful rocker, there are scads of graphic design artists that put in the daily 9-5 with a dead dream of stardom collecting dust in the past of their mid twenties. I'll let you in on some insider knowledge here, the guys that didn't make it didn't have their stuff together. They didn't consult the gurus and dropped like the bass at a dubstep convention. So here, goes, follow this guide and your band is sure to go triple platinum. 1. Find a high profile Supermodel, preferably one that works for Victoria's Secret, with a trainable voice to be your singer. 2. Incorporate key phrases that have not yet become cliched from overuse. You will be the reason the key phrase becomes cliched! 3. Be featured in the next Kanye single. This will promote your own band and give you the revenue to buy a good touring van. 4. Buy a good tourning van from the revenue pumped into your band from the success of the single you were featured on with Kanye and do some world touring. 5. Have an affair with the supermodel. 6. Have someone else in the band have an affair with the supermodel. 7. Have a massive falling out with your band and go solo. 8. Do some great work in your solo career, but eventually stop playing music at all to focus on things that truly define you as an artist like painting or writing lousy poetry. 9. Wait till someone from your band bottoms out and needs cash, having spent his last royalty check on heroin or some other loser drug. Get back together and charge 5x the amount for tickets for music that is now 5x as lame with the passage of time. 10. Call Bob Dylan up and record an all-star record for charity. So go after it! There's nothing stopping you from making your rock and roll dreams come true.

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