Saturday, June 15, 2013

You Know Funny Relationship Advice: Should I Call a Girl I Just Met?

I got a lovely girl's number tonight. Had planned on phoning her tomorrow. Is that ideal? Alek Alek, Based on the limited information you have supplied and the fact that you have asked complete strangers to answer a fairly straightforward question, I can only surmise that you probably don't want to call her and therefore shouldn't. However, I'm willing to work with you a little bit so I have graciously compiled a five question criterion to apply to any blind calling situation which will point you in the right direction. 1. Is the party in question (whomever will be receiving your dubious phonecall) above the legal age, or as a concession, within the age of consent so long as you intend on coming out in the open with your intentions to the party's legal guardians? 2. Does the party in question appear to have any ties with occult activity/terroristic involvement/association with communist party leaders (what about the KGB, ODESSA, or the IRS?) 3. Has the party in question made overt vampiric references. I won't beat around here, you don't want to be lured into vampire society. Eternal life may sound great, but the catch-22 is that vampires are undead rather than alive, so you can kiss life goodbye. To figure out whether or not the party in question is indeed a vampire, watch to see if she winces as you walk past a street preacher. Another giveaway is if you've never seen her outside the cover of night. As a warning, many times vampires, and male vampires at that, not the voluptuous women which you might imagine, hire attractive girls to set them up with their next take. That pretty girl giving out her phone number might be your ticket to Transylvania. 4. Did you extract the phone number from a lady of the night or a slick poster with a picture of some saucy looking dame? 5. Upon parting from the party in question, did you later discover that certain valuable possessions were no longer on your person (ex: wallet, cell phone, watch, cuff links,rosary, clove of garlic). As a sidenote, if your clove of garlic has gone missing you might think you could have full assurance that she is not a vampire, and only a kleptomaniac, however, this is most certainly a sign that she is indeed working for a vampire organization and has stripped you defenseless for the gritty rendezvous in which she hopes to ensnare you. So, if you have have answered yes to 1-2 of these criterion, I advise you to give pause before dialing. If you have answered yes to 3-4 of these criterion, I strongly advise you to take a holiday, and maybe consider moving to a different side of town. If you have answered 'yes' on all 5 accounts, I want you to stop taking drugs today. The girl you met was probably your landlord in the stairway demanding rent.

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