Late last week garbage collector
Mike Douglas from New Jersey was arrested for his connection with the Middle
Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda. Apparently, he had been dispensing of their
written communication since early 2006. It is purported that he further
destroyed video and audio messages that the terrorists used to communicate with
each other.
“It was the perfect setup,” says
Albert Griss, chief secretary of Washington’s Department of Homeland Security,
“The terrorists were placing these highly sensitive materials in regular
kitchen trash bags and this garbage man was removing it for them right under
our noses.”
Freddie Brown, the driver on
Douglas’ route was aghast to learn of his partner’s criminal involvement. “It
was so nonchalant. I would drive up there and he just threw the bags in the
truck like any other house. Sometimes he went ahead and crushed the trash to
make more space and sometimes he didn’t. It was like he wasn’t even nervous
about the thing and that goes to show how truly warped he was.”
Many of Douglas’ neighbors
mentioned that he was mostly quiet, kept to himself, but seemed like a fairly
pleasant sort. Jill Davis, head of the neighborhood watch mentioned he was
always leaving his residence suspiciously early in the morning.
Douglas couldn’t be reached for
comment as he is being held in solitary confinement somewhere offshore so that
normal laws regarding cruel and unusual punishment don’t apply. Griss said of
this move, “We let Douglas have far too much control over garbage for far too
long. Now we’re giving him a real lesson on what it means to take out the
trash!”
No comments:
Post a Comment