Monday, June 24, 2013

Garbage Man Arrested for Destroying Material linked to Al-Qaeda

Late last week garbage collector Mike Douglas from New Jersey was arrested for his connection with the Middle Eastern terrorist group Al-Qaeda. Apparently, he had been dispensing of their written communication since early 2006. It is purported that he further destroyed video and audio messages that the terrorists used to communicate with each other.
“It was the perfect setup,” says Albert Griss, chief secretary of Washington’s Department of Homeland Security, “The terrorists were placing these highly sensitive materials in regular kitchen trash bags and this garbage man was removing it for them right under our noses.”
Freddie Brown, the driver on Douglas’ route was aghast to learn of his partner’s criminal involvement. “It was so nonchalant. I would drive up there and he just threw the bags in the truck like any other house. Sometimes he went ahead and crushed the trash to make more space and sometimes he didn’t. It was like he wasn’t even nervous about the thing and that goes to show how truly warped he was.”
Many of Douglas’ neighbors mentioned that he was mostly quiet, kept to himself, but seemed like a fairly pleasant sort. Jill Davis, head of the neighborhood watch mentioned he was always leaving his residence suspiciously early in the morning.

Douglas couldn’t be reached for comment as he is being held in solitary confinement somewhere offshore so that normal laws regarding cruel and unusual punishment don’t apply. Griss said of this move, “We let Douglas have far too much control over garbage for far too long. Now we’re giving him a real lesson on what it means to take out the trash!” 

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