Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Church of the Living Dead


What started as a huddle of bodies on the streets of
Bluebank, West Virginia in the late 1970’s
has slowly amassed into a movement across age, race, and even
nationality. The Church of the Living Dead figures into the spiritual
scene every bit as prominently as Catholicism and Mormonism, and
perhaps more so because of it’s unprecedented unification of
so many disparate groups. Polls show that right behind the
scientology, the Church of the Living Dead is the fastest
growing of all current ecumenical movements.
In response to the accelerating popularity of the church,
Rocky Tenant, chief apostle of the association of the living dead
said, "people know when they are in a church that is really alive
and they know when they're in a church that is really dead.
What they cannot yet distinguish is a church that is
simultaneously alive and dead."
“Our church has a very important calling.” Said pastor Wayne
Ashe while treating a gash on his hand he demurred as only a scratch,
despite the arrangement of teeth-marks resembling a human mouth.
Continuing Ashe said, “We do our best to reach out to the disheveled
masses that come through every week, and sometimes there are
casualties, but we truly have a passion for all the lifeless souls out there.”
Certainly one of the greatest hot-button issues currently surrounding
the church is the taking of the sacrament, which has often resulted in what
has been described as “nothing short of a bloodbath.”
Notwithstanding the controversy, Tenant said the church would
Forge on into even the darkest places in America. In his words,
“Our methods of bringing in the lost are nearly irresistible. First there’s
a knock at your front door and then your backdoor, which is usually
followed by your windows, and once they get a captive audience
integration into the fold ensues quite rapidly.”
Look for the Church of the Living Dead to move into your community
Soon!

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