Saturday, September 11, 2010

Return of the Kings


Brett Favre’s recent return to the Minnesota Vikings has ignited a spark of inspiration that has caught ablaze throughout the sporting world of retired vets. Bedraggled bodies hibernating in late night bachelor pads fitted with flat-screens reminiscing over highlight tapes peppered with buttery popcorn have come alive again.
The dust and rust collected on prized trophies and medallions is in no way indicative of what many of these former gods are hoping to achieve when they re-enter the athletic arena. Neither is the old equipment or uniforms that have become too small or outdated nor the fact that black and white VHS tapes are the only evidence of former glory.

“I aint scared of nothing. That new titanium nonsense aint got nothing on my 1853 wood dinger.”-Commented Jim Burns, Ohio River rowing champion of 1965 when asked about his solution for countering the light weight boats of today’s rowing champs. His coming out party takes places in the annual circling of North America, “The Blue Iron Doozy”, where he’ll compete against the best the rowing world has to offer.

Mike Tyson is another big name surfacing from beneath the woodwork. Despite the WBO’s recent steel implant program in an effort to make fights more entertaining, Tyson remains confident about his chances of a title-shot. He had much to say about his comeback into this new arena of boxing: “Those fools think their steel jaws and rib cages are gonna stop my iron punch. They not be knowing who I am. My hand be breaking that steel.” The WBO has offered to pay for Tyson’s steel in hopes of helping his comeback cause, but Tyson continues to want no part of it.

The most recent vet to catch this comeback bug, legendary sharp-shooter “Ricky the Gun”, has already been forced into early retirement. Unlike the ending to his first career however, his second accompanied guns blazing. Failure to admit his lately developed turrets problem pressed several young competitors out of the competition and into the ICU at St. Michael’s Memorial Hospital earlier this week. Ricky’s final comments before slipping into a coma were: “It’s time to clean out my barrel.”

Fortunately the list does not end here. The new 30 really is 45. We can only hope that these aged athlete kings will once again produce feats of unmatched glory, inspiring star frenzied fans to silver sprayed hair and tattoos of American Indians with eight balls.

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