Thursday, September 26, 2013

Random Advice Column

Thoughts on Fortune-Telling and Luck

First of all you can't think that you're life is gonna match up to what you see in the horoscope columns of the funny pages. That stuff's in the funny pages for a reason, it's not serious. You might as well be waiting for wisdom to drip from the grizzled lips of Hagar the Horrible if you think the horoscope is gonna do anything for you. People who read the horoscopes are the same kind of people that won't walk under ladders because they think it's bad luck. It's not bad luck to walk under a ladder but it's a bad idea. Saying that it's bad luck to walk under a ladder is like saying it's bad luck to look down the barrel of a gun. I guess more to the point, if you're the kind of goon that will casually strut along under ladders, you're already pressing your luck, and luck can only hold out so long. Maybe my second piece of advice should be to organize your life in a way that has the least amount of bearing on luck. As an addition, don't waste your time with fortune cookies either. If you hadn't figured it out by now, I'll go ahead and tell you that real fortune doesn't come out of cookies, not unless you happen to be the Keebler Elves.

The Thing About Walking Up Stairs

Lots of people, when they walk up stairs take massive strides, lifting their legs up as if they were moving in time with aerobics tapes. You'll notice that most people actually have to bring their feet down quite a long ways to get to the level of the stair with each step they take. This is a real energy waster. Try bringing your leg up so that your foot skims across the edge of the stair and then put your weight down and go on to the next stair. You can save something like 50% of your energy that way.

The Thing About Clothes

You don't need more clothes. Right now you probably have enough clothes for 5 people. Have you noticed that no one has ever bothered to give you a rundown on exactly how many clothes you really need? That's because everyone has been brain-washed by the Macy's parade and those GAP commercials of happy people swing dancing in Khaki. I'll tell you how many clothes you need. You need:
4 Pairs of shoes
      1 pair of sneakers
      1 pair of work shoes
      1 pair of dress shoes
      1 pair of casual shoes
8 T-shirts (1 for every day + an extra)
8 pairs of boxer briefs
12 pairs of socks (half athletic / half dressy)
5 sweaters
4 pairs of pants
4 pairs of shorts
2 belts
2 coats
2 jackets
2 hoodies
4 ties
5 dress shirt-shirts
4 hats
2 scarves
2 pairs of gloves

When you get a new item of clothing, it should immediately replace an old item. Everything else is excess. This list is even excessive. Remember, if you havn't worn something in nine months you will never wear it again.

The Thing About Video Games

The amount of time that you spend playing video games can be calculated in direct proportion to the amount of work you have done. Every six hours of work deserves one hour of gaming. So, if you work 12 hours in a day, you can play a video game for 2 hours. The big payoff comes from working for fifty hours and then getting an 8 hour splurge. If you've really been working hard, not playing any video games all week while you amassed the 8 hour grace time to game, you'll discover about 3 hours in that you feel like you're wasting your time. In which case you can alter the ratio, giving yourself one hour for every 12. The older you get you'll realize that even two hours of playing video games in a week is too much time, given the pressing need to earn a considerable enough capital to have anything like a decent retirement by the time you reach your golden years.

The Thing About Junk Foods

First of all, it costs way too much to eat junk food. Second, it gives you a bad complexion. If you do the math, you realize that losing money and your looks adds up to one thing: not being able to get a girlfriend. Do you really want that?

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