College student delivers unprecedented address

delivering a rousing speech to the incoming freshmen class.
“I’ve never heard anything like it,” Patty Zimmerman, Dean
of students reported, “I was in tears. For me, Jimmy summed up
everything about what it means to be a North by Northwestern
Tigerbear.
Smigglesworth ran the complete gamut of
perfect oration, inducing the crowd to tears, hysterics, and
by the end, a heartfelt singing of the mostly forgotten “Northwestern, beloved mother and home” penned by Ludwig Von Dorst, the first president of NbNWC.
Due to a line in the second stanza, hotly contested in the 1970s,
“all the gay times queerly taken” the song was struck from the
books, but according to Patty Zimmerman, “It felt right and proper
to sing that song again. Finally it’s okay to be yourself on this campus.”
After the singing, Smigglesworth tried to exit at the back of the stage,
fumbled with a curtain, and just as it appeared he would find his way
off stage left, laid down in the foetal position and refused all attempts
to be roused. “Apparently, Smigglesworth is a somnabulist,” the dean
of students told reporters, “but a fine one. We are researching now
how we can harness his fine speaking ability so we can send him
out to schools for regular speaking engagements.”
Harvard has already booked Smigglesworth to speak to
their graduating class of 2011, which knocked out Bill Cosby
who declined to comment on the matter.