Business in China

China’s increasing involvement over American affairs has recently been ignited and accelerated by way of the fast food industry.

After spending three weeks on American soil as a part of a rest and recovery/ covert sting operation on the US athletic and sports development, Chinese government officials had this to say about the American people: “They are stronger and they taller. Fast food is their staple.”

These revelations, observed on billboards displaying Kobe Bryant and other star athletes with Big Macs and large Cups of Coca-Cola, have further led the Eastern Leaders to a startling, but decisive conclusion on Americans and their presence in the athletic arena: “Americans win highest number of medals at Olympic games because Americans are strong and tall. Americans are strong and tall because Americans eat McDonalds.”

Be it that China’s ten-year plan is to completely take over the USA, leader of the communist party, Hu Jintao has decided the first step is to enter through America’s tasty door of fast food consumerism. “We will start by defeating their athletes with an abolition of McDonalds and Burger King then we will move on to steak houses that serve peanuts with beer, thereby diminishing their politicians.”

China’s plan and entry point into fast food control stateside will be through the rusty, trusted gate of the American judicial system. “We have seen in America there exists a freedom to take something away from people when they have wronged you. America has wronged us. They have defamed our culture and customs. Now we will take their fast-food industry.”

Jintao’s argument and attack is directed and focused on the circuit of Chinese restaurants that exist and operate throughout the states. “ They call these Chinese restaurants, but there is not even one person in the restaurant who can speak Chinese! They all speak Spanish and have mustaches that furl like the Yangtze River. Furthermore we do not eat fried chicken wings and drink Grape Aid and our dumplings are not caked in sugar and ice-cream. At the end of each meal we do not receive prophesies of fortune and fame from pieces of paper hidden inside sweet pastry. This is not our culture.”


China plans to right the injustice of this misrepresentation of their food industry through buying up market share of American fast food control. If this occurs, we can expect to see the faces of American athletes on billboards replaced by Chinese stars like Liang Fuchu who plays for the Shanghai Pandas and Ming Jiou, leading scorer of the Beijing Dragons. Further, China will levy a series of tests on American Chinese restaurant owners that prove their Chinese authenticity. These tests will include: breaking a slab of wood with only one chop stick and one eye, assembling a dumpling in five seconds, producing fire in the mouth upon tasting a piece of Sichuan chicken, and counting to ten in Chinese without a tongue bleed.

If all goes according to plan for the Chinese government, stars like Kobe Bryant and Tim Tebow will be forced to eat rice with lean chicken and drink green tea. Soon the days of perfectly sculptured American bodies and fine athletic machinery may only be a memory of the past. Time alone will tell.