College student delivers unprecedented address

delivering a rousing speech to the incoming freshmen class.
“I’ve never heard anything like it,” Patty Zimmerman, Dean
of students reported, “I was in tears. For me, Jimmy summed up
everything about what it means to be a North by Northwestern
Tigerbear.

Business in China

China’s increasing involvement over American affairs has recently been ignited and accelerated by way of the fast food industry.

Porsche does away with Sports cars

In an unexpected move, grey-haired Giordano Matzarelli, President of Sales for Porsche since 1958, announced that the company is permanently halting production of their famous sports cars. Matzarelli said, “It’s a wash. Everyone knows that sports cars are a thing of the past. We’ve had a good long run, but we’re stopping while we’re ahead.”

Group works to reintroduce Silverback Gorilla to Kentucky Forests

A move to reintroduce the gorilla to kentucky was made this
week by Dr. Ingrid Haverston, head archeologist of DiG
(department [for the] incorporation [of] gorillas).