So you're ready to up your partying game? You've had enough of lower class lounging around? You've just inherited a sizable fortune and you're ready to step out? You've come to the right place. We've been where you want to go and have all the advice you need to party like an unscrupulous billionaire president!
Step 1: Spend more time looking in the mirror. You've got to love yourself. I mean really love yourself. We're not just talking having confidence here. We're talking about truly believing that anyone that isn't you or isn't your breast-enhanced daughter are scum. How are you going to enjoy a party if you're not the most beautiful, amazing person at the soiree?
Step 2: Litigate. Sue everyone for 1000% of what they're worth. If someone has written a satirical blog post about a caricature of you, torpedo them with a lawsuit! If someone claims that you threatened to hurt them if they spill the beans about a sexual tryst you manipulated them into, only a million dollar lawsuit will do! Once you've pocketed all those Benjamins, it's party time, baby!
Step 3: If you're going to party like a Billionaire President, you're going to need to become president. The easiest way into this lofty role is to lie, steal, collude, fingerpoint, name call, lie more, pay off the hookers you slept with, come up with catchy and disparaging nicknames for your political rivals, get the KKK and the NRA behind you, talk up your sexual prowess, make backroom deals with Vladimir Putin, and play on the fear of American citizens. You may want to take a page out of Adolf Hitler's playbook and blame America's problems on a specific group of people. However, if you are uneasy with pogroms or even just inciting hate, this might be the time for you to step aside to let the big boys through.
Step 4: Oh. You're still in this thing? Fine, though it felt like you were on the verge of dropping out there. Well, now that your president, you can start the party, but you'll need to watch your back. I recommend firing people regularly or, at the very least, alienating your staff by tweeting hateful things about them and the groups they are affiliated with so that they willingly leave. You need someone dropping out of your staff on the reg. What's a party if there aren't broken-hearts boohooing at home?
Step 5: Are you going to enough golf tournaments? You really can't go to enough golf tournaments. With all the money you're raking in from laundering money from Russian crime lords, buy some golf courses! Host celebrity tournaments! Invite hookers, porn stars, and Playboy Bunnies! You're a billionaire president, it's time like you acted like one. Hustle those exotic women into your hotel room. Don't worry about diseases. If you get something unpleasant, you can fund scientists to science it out of your body.
Step 6: Never, and I mean never, release your tax statements. Do I need to explain this one? Do you need the headache of the American intelligence community knowing about your involvement with bad actors and less than reputable political and corporate entities?
Step 7: Go to Jail! Sorry. Maybe you should have read Step 7 first, but didn't you know that's where all this was headed? You had to! Maybe the result of Step 1's mirror stage really did mar your view of reality. No matter! Your view of reality will soon be filled with steel and concrete. Hey, at least you can relish the memories!
Head to Rapid Transmission for analysis and review of Science Fiction
For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, Tower Defender
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