Chimpanzee Mistaken for Governor wins Reelection!

It's not clear what happened to Indiana's governor. No one can pinpoint the moment that Governor Richie Ne'erdowell dropped out of public view and was replaced by Bibbly the Chimp, but the change felt natural enough. "One day you hear Governor Ne'erdowell say he's pushing an agenda to cut education funding and eliminate state-supported welfare programs, the next day Bibbly is flinging his own poop at the crowd that turned out to hear the Governor speak.

"Yeah, I got hit with some monkey poop," said Ted Kneebles. "But then the monkey jumped around on the stage. I forgot all about the poop and had a good time. No, the monkey didn't speak, and I admit that was disappointing, I liked hearing Ne'erdowell talk about everything he wanted to do for flyover country. You know, get rid of the Mexicans, get rid of schools, get rid of the Syrians, get rid of the Arabs, get rid of the Vietcong, get rid of the Martians, get rid of the UFOs, get rid of the deep state, get rid of the Pod People."

Nine out of ten Indiana residents report they are satisfied with the change, citing that hatred of outsiders is down, education is going strong, and the poor are at least in no less squalor than before.

In Indianapolis, many representatives are frustrated from the difficulty of pushing legislation through with a monkey in charge. Republican representative Tom Jeddy is less than amused with Bibbly. "I work hard every day on behalf of the lobbyists that line my pockets with fat cash, and we meet with Bibbly and go nowhere! Nowhere at all! I haven't seen a thing happen on the hill since that monkey took power. The political scene has gone bananas!"

We sent an email to Bibbly, asking about his long-term goals for the Hoosier State, but he gave no response.

Bibbly's former campaign manager and current head staffer, Felonius Monkey, told us that Bibbly immediately planned to visit a key region in the state that supported him in the race, the Indianapolis Zoo.

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How to Party Like an Unscrupulous Billionaire President: 7 Simple Steps

So you're ready to up your partying game? You've had enough of lower class lounging around? You've just inherited a sizable fortune and you're ready to step out? You've come to the right place. We've been where you want to go and have all the advice you need to party like an unscrupulous billionaire president!

Step 1: Spend more time looking in the mirror. You've got to love yourself. I mean really love yourself. We're not just talking having confidence here. We're talking about truly believing that anyone that isn't you or isn't your breast-enhanced daughter are scum. How are you going to enjoy a party if you're not the most beautiful, amazing person at the soiree?

Step 2: Litigate. Sue everyone for 1000% of what they're worth. If someone has written a satirical blog post about a caricature of you, torpedo them with a lawsuit! If someone claims that you threatened to hurt them if they spill the beans about a sexual tryst you manipulated them into, only a million dollar lawsuit will do! Once you've pocketed all those Benjamins, it's party time, baby!

Step 3: If you're going to party like a Billionaire President, you're going to need to become president. The easiest way into this lofty role is to lie, steal, collude, fingerpoint, name call, lie more, pay off the hookers you slept with, come up with catchy and disparaging nicknames for your political rivals, get the KKK and the NRA behind you, talk up your sexual prowess, make backroom deals with Vladimir Putin, and play on the fear of American citizens. You may want to take a page out of Adolf Hitler's playbook and blame America's problems on a specific group of people. However, if you are uneasy with pogroms or even just inciting hate, this might be the time for you to step aside to let the big boys through.

Step 4: Oh. You're still in this thing? Fine, though it felt like you were on the verge of dropping out there. Well, now that your president, you can start the party, but you'll need to watch your back. I recommend firing people regularly or, at the very least, alienating your staff by tweeting hateful things about them and the groups they are affiliated with so that they willingly leave. You need someone dropping out of your staff on the reg. What's a party if there aren't broken-hearts boohooing at home?

Step 5: Are you going to enough golf tournaments? You really can't go to enough golf tournaments. With all the money you're raking in from laundering money from Russian crime lords, buy some golf courses! Host celebrity tournaments! Invite hookers, porn stars, and Playboy Bunnies! You're a billionaire president, it's time like you acted like one. Hustle those exotic women into your hotel room. Don't worry about diseases. If you get something unpleasant, you can fund scientists to science it out of your body.

Step 6: Never, and I mean never, release your tax statements. Do I need to explain this one? Do you need the headache of the American intelligence community knowing about your involvement with bad actors and less than reputable political and corporate entities?

Step 7: Go to Jail! Sorry. Maybe you should have read Step 7 first, but didn't you know that's where all this was headed? You had to! Maybe the result of Step 1's mirror stage really did mar your view of reality. No matter! Your view of reality will soon be filled with steel and concrete. Hey, at least you can relish the memories!

Head to Rapid Transmission for analysis and review of Science Fiction

For a science fiction read you can't put down, buy Joseph Hurtgen's cyberpunk romp, Tower Defender