The Greatest Basketball Player

Jibby Greenfield was the greatest basketball player the world has ever known. Jibby's moves were miraculous. "There was a game Jib never missed a shot. We kept passin' it to Jibby and he'd knock everything down," recalled Martin Schmitt, forward for the California Spinners. That was 1968, the year Jibby played for the Kansas City Slingers, the Idaho Men, and the California Spinners.

How the World Could End

There are basically 2 great ways for the world to roll toward a crashing halt, only to be pulled back from the crack of doom at the eleventh hour. Every other near apocalypse is melodrama in comparison.

Number one is what I call "The Terminator Problem."

Why Voldemort is a poor Villain.

Voldemort isn't really a great villain. If you don't believe me, I challenge you to buy a Voldemort T-shirt, a Voldemort wand, all the movies, all the books, and some other random Harry Potter gear, and then re-watch these things.

You'll see that Voldemort isn't even a decent villain. If you watch the Harry Potter movies closely, you'll catch SIX reasons why Voldemort isn't so hot as a villain. So, here we go!

Voldemort is usually always in his dining room or chateau

This places Voldemort squarely in the woman's role. Where's Voldemort's wife during all this time? Probably out making multimillion dollar business deals in the real world while he plays fantasy witch-hunt saying "Potter this" and "Potter that."

In fact, it has to be the case that Voldemort's wife is bringing home all the bacon. How else could Voldemort range around with his oddball cronies all the time and still have the means to live in such nice digs?

Did Shakespeare Write His Plays

For years, scholars have questioned the authorship of so called 'Shakespearean' plays. It is commonly agreed that no one is smart enough or talented enough to write so many great plays. Scholars understand the limits of human intelligence and ability. They know that the answer to the great questions of great human art, technology, architecture, and philosophy lie not in the human realm but are all a result of a higher intelligence: Sperm Whales.

Pistol Jones Runs to Freedom

Now long before the greys sounded the silver bugle and sent them turrible boomin' volleys of cannon flyin, Pistol Jones was pickin' that cotton. Yessuh he was. But Pistol Jones he sees that ole whipman turnin' his back to look upon the pretty black girls and Jones he crouch right down in those thorns. He turned to me and this is what Pistol Jones say:

Pistol Jones

And what was the very next thing I saw? It was Pistol Jones, and he was shooting them boys. One by one he was. I watched him shoot down 500 of those boys. And when he was through he turned to me and he said, "Oh Lawd, If'n my name idn't Pistol Jones my hands, they're burning!"

Things That Can Go Wrong

LOST was a great show. I say was to refer to most of the first three seasons and then to a trickle of episodes through the final meandering three seasons. What happened, we all want to to know. How did a show with such great promise meltdown with the toxic horror of Chernobyl? I locked myself in my room for a week to ponder the question, and defying the protests of my English Professors who tell me I am irrationally quick to making vast and undefendable generalizations, I think I have unlocked the secrets to understanding:

The 8 Ways That Good Things Go Impossibly Wrong as Exemplified in the Popular Television Series LOST

New Soft Drink: Cracka-Cola

In the last three quarters soda pop sales have plummeted. Diabetes is too risky and people are cutting out the sugary stuff. In an effort to charge back up the sales charts, one drink company has revitalized their image and drink. The new brand?

When Jokes Aren't Funny

We all know the dangers of humor. Funny people meet terrible and tragic ends! Hedberg, Farley, Belushi, The Lone Ranger, Confucius. We all know the grisly stories of these comedians. I'm reminded of the Lone Ranger's dark humor. How he would shoot someone's horse while they were at full gallop for a laugh. I'm really glad that youtube didn't exist while The Lone Ranger was doing his comedy, or else there would have been copycat after copycat of his ruthless farces. It was the worst kind of comedy, but people would fill up auditoriums to see him do all his crazy gags. It was during his bank heist gag that he was mortally wounded.

Movie Review-Hanna (crap alert)

Last night I got Hanna'd. If you havn't seen the movie Hanna. Then count your lucky stars, but it is kind of important in a stupid way. That way being after having seen it, you can say that you've been Hanna'd after watching something that is of arguably superior quality, in poor taste, missing crucial elements which would have helped it make sense, which finishes abruptly.
The movie begins and ends with Hanna shooting things dead at close range, at which point a weird Red Screen pops up that says HANNA in scrawled letters. Probably, this was the worst and best way this movie could have ended. If only because once the HANNA screen pops up, you realize how well you have just been HANNA'd.

Ninja Talk

Dear Ralph,
I met a guy today who said he was a ninja. I asked him to show me. He looked at me, and then he said, "trust me, i'm a ninja." But I don't think he's a ninja.

What do the Wildcats need to beat the Huskies on Saturday?

April 2 marks the day where two college basketball powerhouses come together in perhaps the most epic matchup this year: Uconn, riding on unbelievable momentum and UK, heating up at just the right time.

I believe UK will have to bring two items to the table on Saturday night for success against the soaring Huskies.