You Know Funny's Relationship Advice: Bewildered in Baltimore

Dear Joseph, My husband doesn't act like he loves me anymore. Whenever he's home from work, and that is rare, when I try to look at him kindly, he scowls back at me. What makes me feel the worst is that he has cut himself out of all our family portraits. I don't know what to do. Bewildered in Baltimore Hey there Baltimore! Sad to say, this scenario is all too common and usually stems from one or more causes which I will reveal in 5 clearly delineated points. 1. You're probably looking at your husband at all the wrong times. Your husband is very stressed out with all of the different roles he has to perform. On top of being a husband he has a demanding job where he has to curry favor with an entire hierarchy of monomaniacal businessmen, and then there's all of those kids when he gets home. His scowl, as you put it, is probably communicating a fun-loving sort of message like: "Wow! I love you for everything you do here," or, "Boy! Our life is kinda crazy but i'm sure glad we do it together every step of the way!" 2. You shouldn't conclude too quickly that your husband cutting himself out of family portraits is a bad thing. That you feel that way probably indicates there is a greater trust issue that you need to resolve in yourself. It is very likely your husband has a new found interest in scrapbooking, and wants to use only the best pictures of himself to create an ultimate book of memories. If your picture goes missing soon, you'll know that this is indeed the case. 3. I was going to pass over this one, but gut feelings are usually right, so, I think you might want to really pay attention to this particular insight. If, and this is truly against all odds, the problem somehow isn't with you, I'm afraid to say your husband might be dabbling with sorcery. Everything you said points squarely with a passion for spellcasting, probably to summon a high level vampire from the chaos realms. I'd watch out for the kids, because if your husbands summoning backfires, he could suck the whole neighborhood into the realm of the dead, and can that ever get ugly! 4. Scratch the whole sorcery thing. It really seems unlikely for this to be his fault. I mean, in the 1980s I counseled scores of women just like you and I observed that the men were never to blame when the sort of situation you described occurred. I've got a stronger hunch now that you are a vampiress and you've cut out those pictures yourself to subtly paint a family portrait excluding the man you've been conspiring against all these years. 5. I'm really shocked that you would have the gall to write this column faking a problem, but now it's all clear to me. You believed that if I didn't see through your little plan, then you could pull it off. Well, I'll say that you almost had me but, luckily for our completely oblivious husband, I caught all of the clues and unveiled your terrible plan. Better luck next time Baltimore.